Derby 5-5 Scunthorpe...Sorry?

4724 people, Pride Park’s lowest ever attendance, witnessed the most astonishing night in the 15 years the Rams have (tried to) ply their trade at the stadium. There have been unforgettable nights in the past – beating Southampton on penalties in the play-off semi-final, beating Man Utd in the semi-final of the 2008-09 League Cup (our last win in the competition) – but last nights will take some beating for the sheer drama and incompetence of the home team.

It is inconceivable to twice lead by 3 goals at home to a lower division outfit and mot progress. It is inconceivable to concede two goals in the 94^th and 96^th minute of normal time. It is not inconceivable to lose on penalties, because they, as the experts say, are a complete lottery (a fantastic excuse for English failure). Whatever happened on penalties, the damage was already done.

To turn up on the night and see the match cost £15 to paying punters. This was the first major fault. Excuse me for disregarding Scunthorpe as attractive competition, but for a club like Derby, they really are not a team fans are going to pay such an amount for to see (in the first round of the League Cup). The record low attendance reflected this assumption. As a result, the game had a feel of a pre-season friendly for much of it. Had the club decided to put prices at £5 for adults and £2 for children – not too much to ask as a thank you for all fans loyalty/stupidity over the years – then the ground would have undoubtedly been 4 or 5 times fuller. Financially, the club would have made the same money, and perhaps even more from the more people there to enjoy the overpriced lager. The knock-on effect would have been Derby’s players perhaps taking it a little more seriously in the second half, but who knows.

The second major fault was the new scoreboard. Brilliant; we now have a huge screen in the corner so people can watch the match on it, assuming of course they don’t actually want to watch the match on the pitch. Add on to that the price; £1 million. The team is not good enough to go around spending what little money we have on technology; the second half last night proved that. A journalist next to me explained that the money would pay for Billy Sharp’s wages for a year, and his 25 goal return would sort us out good and proper. From my position in the press box, I couldn’t see a simple clock on the screen either, telling me how many minutes we had played. It’s what the majority of people want to see when their eyes leave the match (“is it time to beat the queue for a pie yet?”), so why the oversight? Oh yeah, just another point about the expensive big screen...it stopped working after a while. Blackness.

In the new look matchday progRAMme (see what they’ve done there?), Jake Buxton was interviewed about the new signings, and how much easier it is for them to gel with the squad now than it was when he first signed, surrounded by big names and personalities (Savage). Apparently the players in the squad now are “prepared to die a lot more” than previous squads. What are we? Cats? Nathan Tyson has died 6 times already for the cause, he’s only got 3 lives left. After last night, I suggest all players have just one life, and when they lose that, toodle loo. I am of course, talking metaphorically.

The first half was a breeze. “Good performance against a poor team” was my 6 word summary to my elder (and only) male sibling. “Good, cause this match was a must win” was his reply. Famous last words. The Derby fans were in good voice: “I’m glad we’re at home, i’m glad we’re at home, Scunthorpe’s a s**thole, i’m glad we’re at home”.  The 150 loyal Scunthorpe fans, situated roughly half a mile away from the nearest Derby fan, swiftly retorted: “I’m glad we’re away, i’m glad we’re away, Scunthorpe’s a s**thole, i’m glad we’re away”. All very funny. I could laugh because Derby were 3-0 up and on our way to Wembley.

Then, the rest as they say, is history. I will not give you a blow by blow account because we’d be here all day, and Sky Sports News are doing a pretty good job of rubbing the salt in our proverbial gaping wounds. Poor substitutions, poor defending and rash decisions saw our downfall. Tom Naylor is not a left back, yet he was brought on there as a sub, and i’m sure he won’t mind me telling you he was very poor (I don’t know him, he may mind a lot?!). 

New centre back pairing Richard Keogh and cult hero Jake Buxton appear to have found their goalscoring heads, but defensively, conceding 5 second half goals is a worry. Jake Buxton, a perennial substitute until Shaun Barker’s horrific injury at the start of the year, needs to have a very big season. “Bucko can be our other centre back. He can play their through sheer will alone. He just really wants it” I was told. I really want to go to Australia and visit the cast of Neighbours, but every morning I wake up in Ripley. Work that one out. For the record though, I really like Jake Buxton; an honest pro and I hope he is rewarded for his great attitude. When Theo Robinson stepped up to take the penalty that should have put us out of sight, the home fans booed. They wanted Bucko to complete his hat-trick (as it goes he couldn’t have done much worse than Theo). He is very popular, but sentiment should not be a reason to settle on this fragile centre back pairing. It is light years away from Barker and Shackell.

As the match drew to a conclusion, tempers around me were frail. Anger consumed me; Derby’s incompetence had caused me to miss the bus home. My annoyance was nothing compared to the written press I was surrounded by in the press box though. At half time they had quite rightly written the opening paragraph: “Derby put their previous League Cup humiliations behind them tonight as they beat Scunthorpe to progress to round two”. How did it come to this? Their papers were due to go to print at 22:30. Extra time finished at 22:20, penalties sometime ended sometime after the deadline. Squeeky bum time. Time costs money, so Derby’s inability to hold on to a two goal lead with two minute lefts had a more widespread effect. Spare a thought for the journo’s next time something ridiculous like this happens, hey?

My stint at Pride Park was done. I was that shell-shocked I ended up speaking to two complete strangers on the way home; I even made the first move. That never happens. On the way back to the city centre, two young lads were using the lines of a car park to perform long jumps and triple jumps. Their techniques were horrific, but it was great to see the Olympic legacy in full flow. I was temporarily heart-warmed.  On the last bus home I was joined by a chav that had consumed 10 pints of Stella (his words not mine). Driving through Coxbench he was shouting “If you’ve got a cock, and you like benches...Coxbench HA HA HA HA”. Then he accused an Asian man at the back of the bus of being a terrorist. My warm heart had cooled.

Last night was astonishing, but mostly for the wrong reasons.

England v Sweden

You know when you first had a bottled alcoholic drink and discovered that if you smashed your bottle on the neck of your mates bottle, it would erupt and he would have a very uncomfortable 10 seconds trying to contain the fizzy explosion in his mouth? Was a good game when I was 16 (and drinking illegally!)

Remember that game you played with your mates where the purpose was to stealthily punch them in the testicles? No, I struggle to recall that too.

Well, for the first half last night I was becoming very irritated by a group of lads in front of me in the pub doing the very two things I talk about above. Andy Carroll’s spectacular header (he used all his Deirdre muscles, according to my mate) relieving me of growing annoyance. It was a solid, but unspectacular 45 minutes. I could not see us scoring another, and predicted an attempt at shutting up shop, only for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to equalise.

I was furiously BBM’ing my brother and mate, first reaffirming my ‘It’s got 1-1 written all over it’ stance, and then blaming Joe Hart for the Swedish second goal (I felt he should have been able to come and claim the cross).

The half an hour that followed however was the most enjoyable - but at the same time, nervy - England performance I recall for quite some time. 5-1 v Germany was the game thrown at me, and I probably agree. The spirit the team showed to get back into the game, and the decision by Hodgson to bring on Walcott (a man heavily criticised by many, including me) was fantastic. I was unofficially part of Team Redknapp before the appointment, but I’m not sure Harry would have made the great tactical decisions that Hodgson did, and for that he deserves enormous credit.

The pub (Crib Bar, Ripley), filled with young men wearing boots suitable for mining in, went crazy for the equaliser; even more so for the winner. Songs were being sung about there being 10 German bombers in the air (why?!?!) and the lads in front of me had stopped annoying me. England produced something I no longer expected of them – excitement, passion (even from the coaching staff), and a victory over a bogey team.

Over 16 million people watched the game in their homes, and upwards of 30million in pubs. My Facebook and Twitter feeds were filled with folk (a lot of whom don’t even understand the offside rule – nothing wrong with that, it’s difficult. First phase, second phase, etc) expressing their delight and patriotism. It makes me wonder just how on earth we would cope if we won the sodding thing. A bank holiday, a week of national celebrations, Sir Roy Hodgson, etc…

I said to my mother: “How would this country cope if we actually won the thing?”, to which her reply came in two parts, a) “We wont” and b) “You seem to forget I was alive when we won in 1966”.

I can’t imagine the aftermath of 1966. I have told myself that football didn’t matter as much back then, simply because it’s hard to comprehend. I’m told I am as wrong as wrong can get, not for the first time.

We’ll get murdered by Spain in the quarters anyway, so enough of the enthusiasm and optimism. Come on England!

The Little Things...

Almost one week in and it’s so far so good with the Euro’s. If memory serves me correctly, it has already eclipsed the underwhelming 2010 World Cup. I’m not sure I have been overwhelmed by the greatness of it just yet, so we’ll just say that I am whelmed by it all.

The purpose of this blog is not to discuss the variations of the word ‘whelm’ but instead to look at the little things in football that have surfaced this past week that may go unnoticed to the untrained, unbothered eye.  My dad - a man with a soft spot for lining bookmakers pockets through constant betting on ‘number of first half corners’ and ‘player to be booked before the 28^th minute’ – has become so enraged by these little things that his greeting to me this morning was: “I’m going to write to the Telegraph and ask them what can be done about these incompetent officials”. What the Telegraph can do about it I’m not so sure, but the man had obviously had a torturous night mulling over things that do not really matter in the grand scheme of things.

So what are these little things?

1)      Throw-ins

“How many yards has he pinched there?” This phrase cropped up when the Dutch took a throw-in in line with their own penalty spot, instead of by the corner flag. What is the linesman doing allowing a 10 yard advantage in the least dangerous part of the pitch? I jest, but it is not hard for the linesman to just say “There’ll do mate”. Also, have you noticed the number of foul-throws there are, that linesman fail to pick up on? Unbelievable.

2)      Corners

Corners are a massive part of our household. We have a good night if there are more than 10 in a match, a bad one if anything else. When, however, the corner kick is awarded, you will often find my dad moaning that the ball is not in the quadrant. “It doesn’t have to be in the quadrant dad, as long as part of the ball overhangs the line” I take great pleasure in telling him that gem of a rule. Why is that the rule though, FIFA? It would be much more straightforward to amend the rule to: “The ball has to be fully on the line”. But then again, it would have been more straightforward to award the 2022 World Cup to anyone other than Qatar…

3)      Added time

1 minute at half time, 3 minutes at full time, unless someone dies. That is the rule for added time. It really is ridiculous. Aside from telling the managers to settle down, all the 4^th official needs to do is control a stop watch and tell the ref how much time is ACTUALLY required. It stinks of: “I can’t be arsed with this stopwatch, 1 minute for half time again ref”.  Should football adopt a rugby like approach, where the ref stops his watch every time there is a stoppage, and therefore blows when the clock hits 45 and 90 mins? As a wild suggestion I would say 70% of the time, the added time is totally wrong.

4)      Goalkeepers

When goalkeepers have the ball in their hands and take to the old school approach (kick it out of their hands), have you noticed that many of them actually leave the penalty area? Probably not, because it doesn’t really matter. Not my eagle eyed father though. “It’s a foul Jon, they have broken the rules, and what is the linesman doing? Head down and running up towards the halfway line. He’s not even looking!” I had only just awoken and absolutely gagging for Weetabix, yet I was embroiled in an argument about whether goalkeepers should be punished for being an inch out of their box when they kick a ball. Rules are rules though, I guess.

5)      Player celebrations

“Stupid idiots. What are they doing? They’ll break his neck! These footballers are absolutely brain dead”.  Portugal had just won the game late on and the whole playing squad jumped on poor Silvestre Varela. The pile-on was about 6 feet high and 20 people strong, and could not have been pleasant for the lad. Father then raised a valid point (the first one in a few weeks!). “It doesn’t take much for a footballer to get injured. These players go down injured all the time, do they not think that a pile-on is a bit of a silly thing to do?”.

So, there are 5 little things you may not have even given a second thought. But now you have, what do you think? Are linesmen neglecting their most simple job requirements, too bothered about offsides and off-the-ball incidents? And don’t even get me started on the two men that stand next to the goal. Nice company for the goalkeepers, but that’s about it.  

Eng-er-land

The England squad announcement initially did little to surprise me when it was published shortly after 1300 local time (for the millions reading this worldwide). As soon as the names ‘Paul Konchesky’ and ‘Bobby Zamora’ were not mentioned, I relaxed and foolishly concluded that there were no major surprises. Premature thought. A text from my mate expressing his disappointment at Stewart Downing’s inclusion set alarm bells ringing in my head. The fact I hadn’t noticed Downing somewhat reflects his season. He also went unnoticed by many right backs in the recently climaxed Premier League. More of that later.

The goalkeeping selection discussion is a little futile. If Joe Hart does what he has managed to do for the past few years (stay fit) then we could stick Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell as our reserve keepers, ‘cause they simply are not going to play. *rain check on the Louis Walsh idea – he’s Irish*. That said, it’s good to see John Ruddy get the nod because he has had a strong season and done his time in the lower leagues.

Defence wise, the big discussion was around John Terry or Rio Ferdinand. Sadly the days of them two playing together are over for reasons that the courts are going to deal with in July, despite Hodgson insisting Ferdinand’s exclusion was purely on footballing reasons. John Terry is a divisive character that makes up for his lack of world class quality with a bags of commitment. For what it’s worth, I think he probably pips Ferdinand. Where I disagree with Hodgson is choosing Glen Johnson over Micah Richards. I do not see the sense in this. Micah Richards has played well for a title winning team, whereas Glen Johnson has performed in a typically Glen Johnson fashion (decent going forward, not so good at defending) in a Liverpool team that has been poor. Had Kyle Walker been fit, he would have been ahead of both of them, so it’s a shame he’s injured.  

In midfield, there are little surprises, apart from our man Stewey D. The poor lad can’t help being picked, but really, he has done little to deserve it. 0 goals, 0 assists, including 3 missed penalties. Perhaps his inclusion is to be sure we go out heroically in a penalty shoot-out against Portugal again? The constant selection of Downing reminds me of the days under Sven where a relatively unknown Owen Hargreaves kept getting selected. English ignorance meant his selection was ridiculous. “We don’t know owt about that Hargreaves chap so why on earth is he playing?” Ignorance, they say, is bliss, because we do know about Stewart Downing, and we know that he is not worthy of his place. Owen Hargreaves turned out to be a great, yet injury ravaged player. Downing probably won’t ever be that good. His saving grace is that he is left footed.

Elsewhere in midfield, a midfield duo of Gerrard and Parker should start; Gareth Barry being the fall guy for Hodgson’s desire to play 4-4-2. It would have been nice to see Paul Scholes come out of international retirement because he is quality. Perhaps Hodgson needed me to do the persuading? “Don’t worry Paul, you aren’t going to play on the left wing this time round, we’ve got Stewey Downing for that”.

Up front, we have Rooney, Defoe, Welbeck and Carroll. It’s surprising there are only 4 strikers, particularly with Rooney’s 2 game ban, but then again Walcott can do a stint up front (and some would argue that is his best position). Andy Carroll had a good FA Cup final, so he’s on the plane. Many are surprised by a somewhat knee-jerk move regarding the Geordie striker, but I don’t know why.  Afterall, it’s not as if he got a rushed £35million move on the back of a promising start to his career is it? It wouldn’t surprise me if Andy Carroll’s kitchen was awarded a Michelin star on the back of a good, solid spaghetti Bolognese. I joke, of course I do. Andy Carroll is the type of striker that on his day is unplayable. Let us just hope he has a few of them days in the Ukraine. Many wanted Grant Holt to go. He’d try hard for sure, but he isn’t international quality (although I guess that didn’t stop Stewart Downing getting a call up)

Regarding the back-up players, let’s just hope we don’t get too many injuries. Jordan Henderson’s inclusion can only be Roy Hodgson trying to kiss and make up with the population of Liverpool. Henderson has been distinctly average this season and unworthy of a call up (although I guess that didn’t stop Stewart Downing getting a call up; that’s the last one, I promise). Young goalkeeper Jack Butland has a big future by the looks of it, but the fact he is even in consideration for the Euro’s is a bit daft. It’s equivalent to judges on talent shows putting young children through, even though they are rubbish, just because it’s a nice and sentimental thing to do. A young goalkeeper that has been plying his trade in League 2 should not be in contention to face Karim Benzema and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

So overall, the squad does have some surprising aspects (Stewart Downing – couldn’t help myself), but at least we don’t have to worry about Paul Konchesky bombing up the flank, or Bobby Zamora hitting you on the head when you’re sat in row z. Come on England, and here’s to hoping Hodgson proves people wrong with his selections.

Premier League Draft

This essay will be discussing how the English Premier League would work if it adopted a draft system, from scratch. There will be absolutely no references to academic literature, I will not be using newspaper articles to back up my points, and it is highly subjective. After writing two essays in a week, totalling 7,000 words, it is a huge relief to be able to write what I want without having to see if what Brooke wrote in 2007 complements my point. Now I’ve got that off my chest, lets move on, and stay with me, cause it isn’t really an essay (it’s more of a mini-dissertation, just without all the jumping through hoops).

Conception of the idea

Last night whilst watching Simon Mignolet make a save in the Sunderland v Everton match, I said to my housemate Tom: “Where’s Craig Gordon? Is he still injured? He cost £9m!”. His reply confirmed nothing, other than the fact that Sunderland also have Kieren Westwood in their ranks. Goodness gracious me I thought, two good goalkeepers not even playing, that’s not right.

Then Tom - the world’s second biggest football fan – said in a frustrating fashion: “The best players in the league should be playing football” (the whole Carlos Tevez affair really got to him also). I questioned him, just because devil’s advocate is a role I enjoy playing. I can’t remember exactly what I said but it must have been silly because he replied with “So you’re telling me Dimitar Berbatov wouldn’t do a job at Wigan?”. Of course he would.

To cut a long story short, we decided between us at about 9pm it would be good if we came up with a system that meant the best players in the Premier League were all playing. It would also mean we could stop players such as Shaun Derry and Emile Heskey from stealing a Premier League living. “Not tonight though Tom, it’ll take ages” I pleaded. Well folks, when the world’s 2^nd biggest football fan has something like that in his bonnet you just can’t stop him. At 11.45pm it had been completed. 

The Method

1)      Predict the final league table. This includes those that get relegated and those promoted, so effectively we had the 20 best teams in the country. It was decided Manchester United would win the league, and Reading would be promoted via the play-offs (along with West Ham and Southampton).  QPR, Wolves and Wigan get relegated so they aren’t in contention.

2)      The selection process. The league winner (Man Utd) gets first pick of each position, Reading get last. It may not seem fair to all of you, but not to worry, can’t please everyone.

3)      Formation. Each team plays a 4-4-2 cause it’s solid and everyone knows their role.

4)      Player selection.  Imagine each manager sat around a big table. Goalkeepers are first. Fergie picks Joe Hart, poor Brian McDermott is left with what we perceive to be the 20^th best keeper, cause everyone else has picked. As I say, highly subjective the way we chose players. It basically came from what we thought and what we thought alone.

5)      For positions where 2 players are required (centre backs, centre mids and strikers) we had to pick and rank the 40 best players in their position. And the way these were selected goes as follows...
Fergie: I’ll have Nemanja
Mancini: I’ll have Vincent K then
Wenger: Well in my opinion Terry is third best so i’m taking him
...
McDermott: Cool, well I think the 20^th best centre back is Brede Hangelaand, so i’m having him.
Then it goes back to Fergie who essentially picks the 21^st best centre back to partner Vidic. Etc, etc, etc.

The outcome

My theory is that Man Utd have the best players in the league apart from second centre back, second centre mid and second striker. That’s fair, surely, because they are the best team. Reading and other lowly teams on the other hand have received some very good players because of the fact that big clubs are over-run with talent (City, United, Chelsea etc). Average teams like Everton should in theory receive average (respectively, compared to everyone else )players as a result of this system. I believe if this was the case the gap between top and bottom would be a little closer with a higher quality. What do you reckon?

Issues

It doesn’t take into account club loyalty – Paul Scholes ends up at Liverpool for example. Also, we had to make decisions on players based on injuries and form etc. Would you rather have Ryan Giggs or Yohan Cabaye in your team? Giggs is a legend, Cabaye isn’t, but he’s arguably better at this moment in time. Tricky, isn’t it? Neither Craig Gordon or Kieren Westwood make the list. Tough luck guys, but thanks for the inspiration. Another issue is that Tom is a little biased towards Newcastle

So, have a look at the table below. What do you think to it all? Which team looks to have come out of it best? Who’s come out worst? Who looks to have got the signing of the season? For that one, Balotelli at Norwich gets my shout. 

Very much interested in your thoughts. Thanks to Tom - who is incidentally also the world’s biggest crickets fan - for his handy work on Excel. And if you’re wondering who the world’s biggest football fan is, that’s my mate Nathan Shaw. He loves football, he just loves talking about football...

Derby 1-0 Forest

Some nights in football are special. Last night was one of them. I wished to be at Pride Park but instead headed to Radio Derby - perhaps the second best place to be on derby day – to work (don’t go there unless you’re working though cause you won’t be let in, and rightfully so).

I’m told by many the atmosphere was absolutely electric last night, and I can believe it, because night matches are much better than the usual 1pm kick off that usually sees the Derbyshire leg of the East Midlands derby. It’s always a special night when you beat your local rivals, particularly when you dislike the opposition as much as I do. That said, I don’t dislike them enough to sing derogatory songs about a dead man, and neither do the fine majority of Derby fans. The chants do not surprise me, because there are some absolute oxygen wasters in Derby; they should be identified and banned from the ground. Tweets from Forest fans and players (Dexter Blackstock), suggests that all Derby fans were singing the vile chants. Wrong. It was a minority and these people know that, so I find their claims insulting and a way of detracting from another loss to their biggest rivals in what has turned out to be a disastrous season. Some Derby fans have been waiting 40 years to see the Rams beat Forest home and away, yet they are being made to feel guilty about enjoying it, because apparently Derby fans are disgraceful. I’d suggest that Derby possess the same amount of disgraceful fans as Forest do. After all, it’s not nice to sing about Kris Commons’ wife having a miscarriage, is it?

So, to the football. 

Derby seemed to be all over Forest in the first half. “We need to score while we are on top” I’d say to anyone that was listening (the only other chap in the building). We didn’t score and I was left advising an old flame how to lose weight on Facebook, to calm my own nerves. According to the radio, Lee Camp was having a great game, and my housemate’s words from hours before were ringing prominently in my ears: “It’s got draw written all over it”.

The injury to Shaun Barker sounds a sickener. Captain fantastic is out for the season no doubt, and will be hugely missed. Jake Buxton , a man deemed not good enough for Conference side Mansfield Town, came on to replace him. What a rubbish sub, Nigel! Sort it out!

Then Marcus Tudgay got sent off. Then 8 minutes of injury time. Then, the goal.

94 minutes in and voices were getting more excited on the radio, and my thoughts on weight loss subsided (I’ve never dieted or tried to lose weight so why I was the one advising I’ll never know). I cannot remember the exact commentary of Colin Bloomfield, but when I return on Saturday I’ll be doing my utmost to make it my ringtone, for the rare occasions someone wants to talk to me. Absolute pandemonium ensued in the studio I was in.  I stood up and waved my arms, and life doesn’t get more exciting than that for me. Jake Buxton scored and Derby had beat their fiercest rivals in the last minute, and the world (city of Derby) was going crazy for it. 

My coursemates, a rum bunch, were taking time away from insulting my big nose and a love of cats to send me well wishes for the win. Football, hey?! Facebook disappeared off my screen, and I braced myself for the influx of calls. “FUCKIN COME ONNNNN, UP THE RAMS!” was the first. This particular chap hung up before I could lie to him that I’d try and put him on the radio. Swearing on the airwaves is a big no no, even at 10pm. A funny phonecall followed moments later however.

“Hello mate, can I go on air?” said a derby voice.
“Maybe mate, yeah, what’s your name first of all please sir?” I replied.
“Kieran Lee, calling from LA” he said.
“Ah, ay up mate, I’ve seen your willy!” was my first instinct. I managed not to say that and go with the more conservative “I’m following you on Twitter” line.
For those of you who don’t know, Kieran Lee is one of the world’s finest pornstars (apparently) from Derby and friend of the stars. He moved to Los Angeles to pursue his career and by all accounts, he’s done pretty well out of it (i.e LOADED!). He has over 22,500 followers on Twitter, of which I am one. For the record I’ve only seen his willy because it’s insured for £1million, and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. A surreal moment in my life. 

Twitter was going crazy; Jake Buxton, a lad from Mansfield, was trending. Football throws up special stories sometimes, and this was one of them. Buxton was deemed not good enough by Conference side Mansfield Town, and Nigel Clough, who had previously managed him at non-league level with Burton Albion, brought him to Derby. He played a small number of matches at the start of his Derby career and didn’t disgrace himself by any means. His part played in another 1-0 win against Forest in 2010 stays in my mind; serial goalscorer Robbie Earnshaw was suffocating in his pocket that day. His career has been plagued by injury the last year or so, and his performances have been limited to 5 minutes at the end of games, to make up a 5 man defence and try and hold on to slender leads. His appearances were even met with jeers by some sections (some sections, Forest fans, not all). In his wildest dreams he wouldn’t have expected to score last night, and when he did, you could see what a popular lad he was with his team mates. His interview with Colin Gibson after the match was one of the best and most touching I’ve ever heard. He thanked everyone who had helped him to get to this moment; he probably knows the goal will be the high point of his career. There’s absolutely no shame in that though because not many players will score a last minute winner for Derby against Forest.

Were Jake Buxton to be a Sunday League player, he would turn up to the end of season awards and win the Sportsmanship Award.  He is not the best, most talented footballer, but he comes across as a really nice chap - confirmed by a colleague who has interviewed him – and a true professional. Hard working and persistent footballers like him, who don’t moan about being left out most weeks and who keep training hard, deserve a break. Last night he got his, and he will have legendary status round these parts for years to come. If you haven’t heard his interview, listen to it.

Three cheers to Jake Buxton. Three cheers to Derby County. And three big good riddances to the chavvy minority.

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Where did it all go wrong? Whilst this is the title of a massively under-rated Oasis song, it is also a phrase that can be applied to Derby County’s run of form at the minute. Last month I wrote a mid-season report about The Rams and the topsy-turvy nature of the season already. Back then though they were doing well and were about to destroy bottom of the league Coventry 1-0 with a late goal at Pride Park, and in turn make it 5 wins in a row. Seven matches have been and gone since then and precisely 0 games have been won.  

Let us first discuss last night’s game against Leicester. I got off the train at 19:26 and headed towards Radio Derby. On my way I passed many people decked out in the black and white. As a punctual kind of guy my first thoughts were ‘you’re going to miss kick-off’ but then thoughts turned elsewhere. These people looked happy and optimistic (it’s amazing how much you can tell from someone after only viewing them for 3 seconds) and that surprised me. Looking at all the facts, there was absolutely no reason to be optimistic ahead of the match, but football has a tendency to bring out strange feelings and unnecessary optimism. In the failed Premier League season of 2007-08 my brother Chris, who shall remain unnamed, predicted a Derby victory before every single game. Look on the positive side, at least his prediction came true once.

Last night the optimism of one fan drained after 20 minutes. He rang the studio on his way out to say that he had left the ground and wouldn’t be renewing his season ticket. It was the sort of performance that induced pure irrationalism, and I have been known to do similar things on Football Manager, so I sympathised. Derby were worse than very average.

The decision to bring in Tom Carroll on loan and send Miles Addison out on loan to Bournemouth evoked confusion and despair. The decision to bring in Tom Carroll and keep ignoring Chris Maguire (a long term transfer target that simply never plays) evoked confusion and despair. Poor Tom Carroll appears to evoke confusion and despair, through no fault of his own. At a time when Gareth Roberts is the only left back and the now injured John Brayford is the only proper right-back, it seems strange that it was a midfielder Clough used the loan market for. The centre midfielders that have played the majority of the season, Craig Bryson and Jeff Hendrick, whilst both being very solid Championship players, are much of the same. Were one of them to play alongside an Inigo Idiakez type player then things would probably be different.

The strikers are as shy in front of goal as I am around females, and between you and me, you aren’t going to score with that attitude. Two goals in the last seven matches tells its own story. When was the last time Derby had an out and out goalscorer that the opposition feared? Leicester Reserves’ Steve Howard I do believe. Callum Ball has a decent future by the looks of it, Theo Robinson not so much, and it remains to be seen whether Nathan Tyson can stay fit long enough to even form an opinion. The return of Steve Davies offers a glimmer of hope as he has quality, but he simply does not play enough games (although I accept it doesn’t help when you’ve had your skull bashed in).

It is no secret that finances at Derby are very tight. Clough cannot ‘do a Leicester’ and attract high quality players for large money and wages in an attempt to try and buy promotion. His hands are tied in that sense, yet the unpoplular owners, GSE, who restrict these dealings may become more popular in future years if/when more football clubs (Rangers, Portsmouth etc) get into huge trouble for spending way beyond their means. Derby will emerge as a healthy club as a result of the scrutinised running, and despite what anyone says, it is better that there is a team to support than none at all.

In-depth studies into football finances state that the team with the highest wage bill should finish top, and the one with the lowest should finish bottom; any manager that takes their team to a higher placed finish than their wage bills is overachieving.  I find it hard to believe that a club of Derby’s size has a wage bill that is less than 18 other (based on last seasons finish) Championship teams, so on that basis Clough is underachieving*, and that is a view the majority will agree with However, it is about realism. Derby should be finishing higher than 19^th in the league, ABSOLUTELY, but they should not be shoe-ins for promotion every season just because they are heavily supported and won the league twice in the 70’s. A top half finish would be a realistic expectation at this point in the life of Derby County.

Clough has to deal with unrealistic expectations from many Derby fans, but their criticisms of the way Derby’s form fluctuates and declines so rapidly every season is a valid one. The way his team performs so inadequately for large parts of the season is not down to finance, but poor motivational and tactical skills. I suspect Derby are not going to get relegated this season, and they are 6 points better off than they were last season, but this season stinks of missed opportunities. A tweet last night read: “Derby were once a team to be proud of, but not anymore. Clough has got to go”. It is certainly a hot topic of debate. Does Clough have to go? Or will these violent swings in form deteriorate over time?

I started with an Oasis song, so i’ll end on a Take That song. Things can only get better. Surely?

*If it turns out that Derby’s wage bill is actually only 19^th highest in the league then this argument I have is wrong and I am happy to accept that