A rant about humanity

It’s been a good year, both personally and not personally. By that I mean it’s been a good year for both me AND the United Kingdom. Personally, I met a nice girl, the relationship with my cat Charlie has grown even stronger, and Neighbours continued to pull out all the stops when it came to producing great soap opera drama. Generally (i.e as a country) it has been a good year, mainly because of the Olympics and the fact that the world didn’t end the other day. However, ladies and gentlemen, it is often the negatives that stick in mind, and I now must explain to you two particular negatives that have reminded me that there are some complete idiots/strange folk in this world.

Due to a general dis-trust of public transport, I ended up getting into Derby on Friday afternoon 2 hours before I was due to start work. I opted to walk around the Westfield shopping centre to look at the chaotic Christmas shoppers, knowing full well I had conquered my shopping days prior. In one queue, a father turned to his two young sons and said “Right, so we’ve sorted out presents for Sybil and your mama, just your mum to do now”. Play your cards right lads and you’ll still be getting your shopping done for you in 10 years time, like me. Then, incident one. Incident numero eins. #1

I was exiting the shopping centre, and a few yards in front of me sat a young child in a car. Fear not, it was a pushchair in the form of a toy car, provided to parents by the Westfield centre as a way to keep children who can’t walk satisfied. It wasn’t a real car.  This lad’s car started to roll, for we found ourselves on a gradient. “That can’t be right” I thought. I was now level with him. I looked him straight in the eye and he gave me that look that just said “I am not meant to rolling away, but it’s only a toy car so I can’t put my foot on the brake”. His young face was sad. He looked distressed. He was on his way to rolling down a hill into either an unsuspecting shopper, a glass door, or into the cold streets of Derby (if the door happened to open as he was hurtling towards it). I put my hand on the handle of his car and stopped him in his tracks and looked around to find who this little tearaway may belong to. There, behind me stood two chavs staring longingly into a grabber machine. You know, the machine where you put 20p’s in and manoeuvre a mini crane to try and win a soft toy, or a capsule with a toy Pokemon in or something. “Excuse me” I said. I didn’t need to say anymore because the situation was rather self-explanatory. “Sorry” said the lady, before taking control of the car and turning round to see what progress her chavy boyfriend had made on the machine. Unbelievable.

Not a ‘thank you’. Not a ‘oh my god you saved my son!’ Not a ‘I’m going to ring Holly Willoughby and get you on Surprise Surprise because what you’ve just done deserves national recognition’. Just a ‘sorry’. These types of folk were put on this earth for one reason. Jeremy Kyle.

Incident Two. Numero zwei. #2. This one is stupendous. I got on the bus tonight and sat on the back row, because a young couple (about 17 or 18) had taken the place I usually sit on the bus. A man of routine. A few minutes into the journey I looked up and right in my eyeline I saw the male was flicking through photos on his Blackberry. Him topless. Him topless again. Him flexing his muscles. Him topless. Him topless flexing his muscles. Repeat this about 50 times. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. What on earth was this about? I watched, like a dirty pervert (a disapproving dirty pervert I must add), as he admired himself. He had a whole range of self-shots. Mirror shots, and shots where he just extends his arm and hopes he points his camera at the right part. He then zoomed in on his flexed bicep. He cropped this part, showed it to his girlfriend, who nodded like what he was doing was completely normal, and then did something with it on Blackberry Messenger. I can only imagine the BBM community is currently going mad for this piece of underwhelming bicep.

You know when things are so bad that you have to keep looking? It’s like a Facebook ‘friend’ who is so annoying, but you can’t unfriend them because they’re that annoying that they’re good value. That was this lad and his phone. After 5 or so minutes he gave up appreciating himself and went off the pictures. Then to my horror, my eyes met his wallpaper. A picture of his abdominals (or the place where abs are meant to be). Imagine waking up in the morning to check if you have any overnight texts, to be greeted by your own frigging stomach! An absolute monstrosity. What a terrible way to start the day. When I got off the bus and had time to cool down and assess what had just happened, I realised I was let off lightly. What if he had had pictures of his willy?!

Merry Christmas!

The Scapegoat

Football’s a funny old game. Derby’s game of two halves defeat at Huddersfield on Saturday proved that there are no easy games at this level (if you forget the really easy game against Watford two weeks prior). Derby had home advantage that day though and made use of the 12^th man. It probably can’t be doubted that the lads put in 110% against the Terriers at the weekend, but at the end of the day, goals win matches, and when you’re only getting one shot on target, you need to be pretty ruthless and successful with that shot. Your first task, as the reader, is to count the number of clichés in this opening paragraph. Apologies, I just fancied it.

How times change. The 5-1 victory over Watford before the international break saw the Rams play fluent attacking football, albeit, against a woeful away team. Paul Coutts was magical that day.  Fast forward two weeks and by the sounds of it, Derby played a pretty uninspired first half, but a more promising second half. Paul Coutts was victim to ‘flu like symptoms’ on this occasion, and his like-for-like replacement was summer transfer acquisition Michael Ja...oh no wait, it was Conor Doyle.

This has been the source for much debate amongst Rams fans. Fingers crossed Conor Doyle or Conor Doyle’s mother were not privy to these debates (broadcast live over the football phone-in last night), because they were not pretty. The u20 American international is paid to play football; he is not going to say “Excuse me Nigel, picking me completely out of the blue is a pretty silly thing to do because in the past I have proved I am not really at first team level yet. You’d be better playing one of your summer signings”.

The fault should not lie with the former Dallas Texans YOUTH player (I have no doubt one day the Texans will have a GREAT academy system...). He was simply doing an honest (but poor) job and hence did not deserved to be booed. If you had a career making Freddo bars, and had found your feet in small scale chocolate manufacturing, and then got a call from your boss who was asking you to play a pivotal part in making a batch Dairy Milk, you’d do it. If you mucked up, someone, somewhere, would have a misshapen Dairy Milk bar. Not quite the same with a footballer. Doyle stepped up from a good DCFC u21 showing, but was ultimately proven to be lacking (again) in the first team squad. So, does the fault lie with the manager for thrusting a player into the limelight who is clearly not good enough?

Clough - who is open about his willingness to criticise his players in public – was quick to defend the young American. “...until we give him that opportunity we are not going to know if he can do it” and “...he deserved a start as much as anybody”. Was this Clough trying to defend his strange tactical decision? Or, considering the lack of scathing words usually reserved for players who put in such a performance, was this Clough feeling guilty about making Doyle a rabbit in the proverbial headlights? Jeff Hendrick, Craig Bryson, Theo Robinson and Michael Jacobs were quadrupled out for criticism, whereas Doyle got off light.

Perhaps worrying for Derby fans is that Michael Jacobs is on the start of the route that Chris Maguire went down. A long chase to get him to the club, followed by an even longer spell out of the side. Time will tell whether Jacobs emulates the Scotsman’s “achievements”, but judging by Clough’s post-game comments v Huddersfield, he is on shaky ground.

Conor Doyle was the scapegoat for Saturday, but even forgetting that, we should have won, because we’re Derby County. We’re much bigger than Huddersfield. Not my views, but the view of a man who rang up 606 to chat to Strictly Come Dancer (I think he played football too at one point), Robbie Savage. The days of the mighty Derby County turning up to grounds to walk over anyone in their way are gone, and have been gone for about 37 years, so was the defeat against Huddersfield so bad? Savage said as much himself.

Huddersfield have a great home record, and have just gained £8million for the sale of their striker. Just accept for a minute that footballers are really worth these stupid fees, and then ask yourself when was the last time Derby had someone who was worth that much? No, not  even the mighty Giles Barnes who is now ripping up the MLS with Houston Dynamo. Will Hughes may be our next prospect to leave for a miserly fee, but let’s save that for a rainy day. The point is that Derby’s history is no reason to be so irate about losing to a newly promoted team who have been used to winning matches the last few seasons.

The wage bill, apparently, is a mid table Championship budget, but one that frustratingly, is still too high. By rights then, a mid table Championship finish is on the cards. It doesn’t always work out like that and some fans find this hard to take. Blackpool’s promotion in 2010 has done more damage than good to fans expectations. They went up despite having one of the lowest budgets in the league. They did however have an inspiring manager, and the league’s best player in Charlie Adam. Add to this the experience of Gary Taylor Fletcher, DJ Campbell and David Vaughan and this created a rare mix that may not see such a situation occur again in the near future.  

At the minute, the simple fact is that Derby have a young and promising squad, but not a squad that is currently capable of winning every match. They don’t have the experience yet to push them towards promotion places. That, however, does not mean they should not be favourites to win home matches, such as tonight against Charlton. I think it is safe to assume Conor Doyle will not start tonight. He may never start again as he looks to be some way off the standard required to play Championship football, particularly when compared to younger players such as Will Hughes. However, one player does not lose a team the match (unless it’s the goalkeeper throwing the ball in the back of the net in the 94^th minute), so it’s up to the whole team to bounce back tonight.  For you betting folk, every time i’ve been to Pride Park in 2012, we have scored 5 goals. So get all your money on a correct score bet. Derby 5-6 Charlton.

Come on you Rams!

Derby 5-5 Scunthorpe...Sorry?

4724 people, Pride Park’s lowest ever attendance, witnessed the most astonishing night in the 15 years the Rams have (tried to) ply their trade at the stadium. There have been unforgettable nights in the past – beating Southampton on penalties in the play-off semi-final, beating Man Utd in the semi-final of the 2008-09 League Cup (our last win in the competition) – but last nights will take some beating for the sheer drama and incompetence of the home team.

It is inconceivable to twice lead by 3 goals at home to a lower division outfit and mot progress. It is inconceivable to concede two goals in the 94^th and 96^th minute of normal time. It is not inconceivable to lose on penalties, because they, as the experts say, are a complete lottery (a fantastic excuse for English failure). Whatever happened on penalties, the damage was already done.

To turn up on the night and see the match cost £15 to paying punters. This was the first major fault. Excuse me for disregarding Scunthorpe as attractive competition, but for a club like Derby, they really are not a team fans are going to pay such an amount for to see (in the first round of the League Cup). The record low attendance reflected this assumption. As a result, the game had a feel of a pre-season friendly for much of it. Had the club decided to put prices at £5 for adults and £2 for children – not too much to ask as a thank you for all fans loyalty/stupidity over the years – then the ground would have undoubtedly been 4 or 5 times fuller. Financially, the club would have made the same money, and perhaps even more from the more people there to enjoy the overpriced lager. The knock-on effect would have been Derby’s players perhaps taking it a little more seriously in the second half, but who knows.

The second major fault was the new scoreboard. Brilliant; we now have a huge screen in the corner so people can watch the match on it, assuming of course they don’t actually want to watch the match on the pitch. Add on to that the price; £1 million. The team is not good enough to go around spending what little money we have on technology; the second half last night proved that. A journalist next to me explained that the money would pay for Billy Sharp’s wages for a year, and his 25 goal return would sort us out good and proper. From my position in the press box, I couldn’t see a simple clock on the screen either, telling me how many minutes we had played. It’s what the majority of people want to see when their eyes leave the match (“is it time to beat the queue for a pie yet?”), so why the oversight? Oh yeah, just another point about the expensive big screen...it stopped working after a while. Blackness.

In the new look matchday progRAMme (see what they’ve done there?), Jake Buxton was interviewed about the new signings, and how much easier it is for them to gel with the squad now than it was when he first signed, surrounded by big names and personalities (Savage). Apparently the players in the squad now are “prepared to die a lot more” than previous squads. What are we? Cats? Nathan Tyson has died 6 times already for the cause, he’s only got 3 lives left. After last night, I suggest all players have just one life, and when they lose that, toodle loo. I am of course, talking metaphorically.

The first half was a breeze. “Good performance against a poor team” was my 6 word summary to my elder (and only) male sibling. “Good, cause this match was a must win” was his reply. Famous last words. The Derby fans were in good voice: “I’m glad we’re at home, i’m glad we’re at home, Scunthorpe’s a s**thole, i’m glad we’re at home”.  The 150 loyal Scunthorpe fans, situated roughly half a mile away from the nearest Derby fan, swiftly retorted: “I’m glad we’re away, i’m glad we’re away, Scunthorpe’s a s**thole, i’m glad we’re away”. All very funny. I could laugh because Derby were 3-0 up and on our way to Wembley.

Then, the rest as they say, is history. I will not give you a blow by blow account because we’d be here all day, and Sky Sports News are doing a pretty good job of rubbing the salt in our proverbial gaping wounds. Poor substitutions, poor defending and rash decisions saw our downfall. Tom Naylor is not a left back, yet he was brought on there as a sub, and i’m sure he won’t mind me telling you he was very poor (I don’t know him, he may mind a lot?!). 

New centre back pairing Richard Keogh and cult hero Jake Buxton appear to have found their goalscoring heads, but defensively, conceding 5 second half goals is a worry. Jake Buxton, a perennial substitute until Shaun Barker’s horrific injury at the start of the year, needs to have a very big season. “Bucko can be our other centre back. He can play their through sheer will alone. He just really wants it” I was told. I really want to go to Australia and visit the cast of Neighbours, but every morning I wake up in Ripley. Work that one out. For the record though, I really like Jake Buxton; an honest pro and I hope he is rewarded for his great attitude. When Theo Robinson stepped up to take the penalty that should have put us out of sight, the home fans booed. They wanted Bucko to complete his hat-trick (as it goes he couldn’t have done much worse than Theo). He is very popular, but sentiment should not be a reason to settle on this fragile centre back pairing. It is light years away from Barker and Shackell.

As the match drew to a conclusion, tempers around me were frail. Anger consumed me; Derby’s incompetence had caused me to miss the bus home. My annoyance was nothing compared to the written press I was surrounded by in the press box though. At half time they had quite rightly written the opening paragraph: “Derby put their previous League Cup humiliations behind them tonight as they beat Scunthorpe to progress to round two”. How did it come to this? Their papers were due to go to print at 22:30. Extra time finished at 22:20, penalties sometime ended sometime after the deadline. Squeeky bum time. Time costs money, so Derby’s inability to hold on to a two goal lead with two minute lefts had a more widespread effect. Spare a thought for the journo’s next time something ridiculous like this happens, hey?

My stint at Pride Park was done. I was that shell-shocked I ended up speaking to two complete strangers on the way home; I even made the first move. That never happens. On the way back to the city centre, two young lads were using the lines of a car park to perform long jumps and triple jumps. Their techniques were horrific, but it was great to see the Olympic legacy in full flow. I was temporarily heart-warmed.  On the last bus home I was joined by a chav that had consumed 10 pints of Stella (his words not mine). Driving through Coxbench he was shouting “If you’ve got a cock, and you like benches...Coxbench HA HA HA HA”. Then he accused an Asian man at the back of the bus of being a terrorist. My warm heart had cooled.

Last night was astonishing, but mostly for the wrong reasons.

England v Sweden

You know when you first had a bottled alcoholic drink and discovered that if you smashed your bottle on the neck of your mates bottle, it would erupt and he would have a very uncomfortable 10 seconds trying to contain the fizzy explosion in his mouth? Was a good game when I was 16 (and drinking illegally!)

Remember that game you played with your mates where the purpose was to stealthily punch them in the testicles? No, I struggle to recall that too.

Well, for the first half last night I was becoming very irritated by a group of lads in front of me in the pub doing the very two things I talk about above. Andy Carroll’s spectacular header (he used all his Deirdre muscles, according to my mate) relieving me of growing annoyance. It was a solid, but unspectacular 45 minutes. I could not see us scoring another, and predicted an attempt at shutting up shop, only for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to equalise.

I was furiously BBM’ing my brother and mate, first reaffirming my ‘It’s got 1-1 written all over it’ stance, and then blaming Joe Hart for the Swedish second goal (I felt he should have been able to come and claim the cross).

The half an hour that followed however was the most enjoyable - but at the same time, nervy - England performance I recall for quite some time. 5-1 v Germany was the game thrown at me, and I probably agree. The spirit the team showed to get back into the game, and the decision by Hodgson to bring on Walcott (a man heavily criticised by many, including me) was fantastic. I was unofficially part of Team Redknapp before the appointment, but I’m not sure Harry would have made the great tactical decisions that Hodgson did, and for that he deserves enormous credit.

The pub (Crib Bar, Ripley), filled with young men wearing boots suitable for mining in, went crazy for the equaliser; even more so for the winner. Songs were being sung about there being 10 German bombers in the air (why?!?!) and the lads in front of me had stopped annoying me. England produced something I no longer expected of them – excitement, passion (even from the coaching staff), and a victory over a bogey team.

Over 16 million people watched the game in their homes, and upwards of 30million in pubs. My Facebook and Twitter feeds were filled with folk (a lot of whom don’t even understand the offside rule – nothing wrong with that, it’s difficult. First phase, second phase, etc) expressing their delight and patriotism. It makes me wonder just how on earth we would cope if we won the sodding thing. A bank holiday, a week of national celebrations, Sir Roy Hodgson, etc…

I said to my mother: “How would this country cope if we actually won the thing?”, to which her reply came in two parts, a) “We wont” and b) “You seem to forget I was alive when we won in 1966”.

I can’t imagine the aftermath of 1966. I have told myself that football didn’t matter as much back then, simply because it’s hard to comprehend. I’m told I am as wrong as wrong can get, not for the first time.

We’ll get murdered by Spain in the quarters anyway, so enough of the enthusiasm and optimism. Come on England!

The Little Things...

Almost one week in and it’s so far so good with the Euro’s. If memory serves me correctly, it has already eclipsed the underwhelming 2010 World Cup. I’m not sure I have been overwhelmed by the greatness of it just yet, so we’ll just say that I am whelmed by it all.

The purpose of this blog is not to discuss the variations of the word ‘whelm’ but instead to look at the little things in football that have surfaced this past week that may go unnoticed to the untrained, unbothered eye.  My dad - a man with a soft spot for lining bookmakers pockets through constant betting on ‘number of first half corners’ and ‘player to be booked before the 28^th minute’ – has become so enraged by these little things that his greeting to me this morning was: “I’m going to write to the Telegraph and ask them what can be done about these incompetent officials”. What the Telegraph can do about it I’m not so sure, but the man had obviously had a torturous night mulling over things that do not really matter in the grand scheme of things.

So what are these little things?

1)      Throw-ins

“How many yards has he pinched there?” This phrase cropped up when the Dutch took a throw-in in line with their own penalty spot, instead of by the corner flag. What is the linesman doing allowing a 10 yard advantage in the least dangerous part of the pitch? I jest, but it is not hard for the linesman to just say “There’ll do mate”. Also, have you noticed the number of foul-throws there are, that linesman fail to pick up on? Unbelievable.

2)      Corners

Corners are a massive part of our household. We have a good night if there are more than 10 in a match, a bad one if anything else. When, however, the corner kick is awarded, you will often find my dad moaning that the ball is not in the quadrant. “It doesn’t have to be in the quadrant dad, as long as part of the ball overhangs the line” I take great pleasure in telling him that gem of a rule. Why is that the rule though, FIFA? It would be much more straightforward to amend the rule to: “The ball has to be fully on the line”. But then again, it would have been more straightforward to award the 2022 World Cup to anyone other than Qatar…

3)      Added time

1 minute at half time, 3 minutes at full time, unless someone dies. That is the rule for added time. It really is ridiculous. Aside from telling the managers to settle down, all the 4^th official needs to do is control a stop watch and tell the ref how much time is ACTUALLY required. It stinks of: “I can’t be arsed with this stopwatch, 1 minute for half time again ref”.  Should football adopt a rugby like approach, where the ref stops his watch every time there is a stoppage, and therefore blows when the clock hits 45 and 90 mins? As a wild suggestion I would say 70% of the time, the added time is totally wrong.

4)      Goalkeepers

When goalkeepers have the ball in their hands and take to the old school approach (kick it out of their hands), have you noticed that many of them actually leave the penalty area? Probably not, because it doesn’t really matter. Not my eagle eyed father though. “It’s a foul Jon, they have broken the rules, and what is the linesman doing? Head down and running up towards the halfway line. He’s not even looking!” I had only just awoken and absolutely gagging for Weetabix, yet I was embroiled in an argument about whether goalkeepers should be punished for being an inch out of their box when they kick a ball. Rules are rules though, I guess.

5)      Player celebrations

“Stupid idiots. What are they doing? They’ll break his neck! These footballers are absolutely brain dead”.  Portugal had just won the game late on and the whole playing squad jumped on poor Silvestre Varela. The pile-on was about 6 feet high and 20 people strong, and could not have been pleasant for the lad. Father then raised a valid point (the first one in a few weeks!). “It doesn’t take much for a footballer to get injured. These players go down injured all the time, do they not think that a pile-on is a bit of a silly thing to do?”.

So, there are 5 little things you may not have even given a second thought. But now you have, what do you think? Are linesmen neglecting their most simple job requirements, too bothered about offsides and off-the-ball incidents? And don’t even get me started on the two men that stand next to the goal. Nice company for the goalkeepers, but that’s about it.  

Eng-er-land

The England squad announcement initially did little to surprise me when it was published shortly after 1300 local time (for the millions reading this worldwide). As soon as the names ‘Paul Konchesky’ and ‘Bobby Zamora’ were not mentioned, I relaxed and foolishly concluded that there were no major surprises. Premature thought. A text from my mate expressing his disappointment at Stewart Downing’s inclusion set alarm bells ringing in my head. The fact I hadn’t noticed Downing somewhat reflects his season. He also went unnoticed by many right backs in the recently climaxed Premier League. More of that later.

The goalkeeping selection discussion is a little futile. If Joe Hart does what he has managed to do for the past few years (stay fit) then we could stick Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell as our reserve keepers, ‘cause they simply are not going to play. *rain check on the Louis Walsh idea – he’s Irish*. That said, it’s good to see John Ruddy get the nod because he has had a strong season and done his time in the lower leagues.

Defence wise, the big discussion was around John Terry or Rio Ferdinand. Sadly the days of them two playing together are over for reasons that the courts are going to deal with in July, despite Hodgson insisting Ferdinand’s exclusion was purely on footballing reasons. John Terry is a divisive character that makes up for his lack of world class quality with a bags of commitment. For what it’s worth, I think he probably pips Ferdinand. Where I disagree with Hodgson is choosing Glen Johnson over Micah Richards. I do not see the sense in this. Micah Richards has played well for a title winning team, whereas Glen Johnson has performed in a typically Glen Johnson fashion (decent going forward, not so good at defending) in a Liverpool team that has been poor. Had Kyle Walker been fit, he would have been ahead of both of them, so it’s a shame he’s injured.  

In midfield, there are little surprises, apart from our man Stewey D. The poor lad can’t help being picked, but really, he has done little to deserve it. 0 goals, 0 assists, including 3 missed penalties. Perhaps his inclusion is to be sure we go out heroically in a penalty shoot-out against Portugal again? The constant selection of Downing reminds me of the days under Sven where a relatively unknown Owen Hargreaves kept getting selected. English ignorance meant his selection was ridiculous. “We don’t know owt about that Hargreaves chap so why on earth is he playing?” Ignorance, they say, is bliss, because we do know about Stewart Downing, and we know that he is not worthy of his place. Owen Hargreaves turned out to be a great, yet injury ravaged player. Downing probably won’t ever be that good. His saving grace is that he is left footed.

Elsewhere in midfield, a midfield duo of Gerrard and Parker should start; Gareth Barry being the fall guy for Hodgson’s desire to play 4-4-2. It would have been nice to see Paul Scholes come out of international retirement because he is quality. Perhaps Hodgson needed me to do the persuading? “Don’t worry Paul, you aren’t going to play on the left wing this time round, we’ve got Stewey Downing for that”.

Up front, we have Rooney, Defoe, Welbeck and Carroll. It’s surprising there are only 4 strikers, particularly with Rooney’s 2 game ban, but then again Walcott can do a stint up front (and some would argue that is his best position). Andy Carroll had a good FA Cup final, so he’s on the plane. Many are surprised by a somewhat knee-jerk move regarding the Geordie striker, but I don’t know why.  Afterall, it’s not as if he got a rushed £35million move on the back of a promising start to his career is it? It wouldn’t surprise me if Andy Carroll’s kitchen was awarded a Michelin star on the back of a good, solid spaghetti Bolognese. I joke, of course I do. Andy Carroll is the type of striker that on his day is unplayable. Let us just hope he has a few of them days in the Ukraine. Many wanted Grant Holt to go. He’d try hard for sure, but he isn’t international quality (although I guess that didn’t stop Stewart Downing getting a call up)

Regarding the back-up players, let’s just hope we don’t get too many injuries. Jordan Henderson’s inclusion can only be Roy Hodgson trying to kiss and make up with the population of Liverpool. Henderson has been distinctly average this season and unworthy of a call up (although I guess that didn’t stop Stewart Downing getting a call up; that’s the last one, I promise). Young goalkeeper Jack Butland has a big future by the looks of it, but the fact he is even in consideration for the Euro’s is a bit daft. It’s equivalent to judges on talent shows putting young children through, even though they are rubbish, just because it’s a nice and sentimental thing to do. A young goalkeeper that has been plying his trade in League 2 should not be in contention to face Karim Benzema and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

So overall, the squad does have some surprising aspects (Stewart Downing – couldn’t help myself), but at least we don’t have to worry about Paul Konchesky bombing up the flank, or Bobby Zamora hitting you on the head when you’re sat in row z. Come on England, and here’s to hoping Hodgson proves people wrong with his selections.

Premier League Draft

This essay will be discussing how the English Premier League would work if it adopted a draft system, from scratch. There will be absolutely no references to academic literature, I will not be using newspaper articles to back up my points, and it is highly subjective. After writing two essays in a week, totalling 7,000 words, it is a huge relief to be able to write what I want without having to see if what Brooke wrote in 2007 complements my point. Now I’ve got that off my chest, lets move on, and stay with me, cause it isn’t really an essay (it’s more of a mini-dissertation, just without all the jumping through hoops).

Conception of the idea

Last night whilst watching Simon Mignolet make a save in the Sunderland v Everton match, I said to my housemate Tom: “Where’s Craig Gordon? Is he still injured? He cost £9m!”. His reply confirmed nothing, other than the fact that Sunderland also have Kieren Westwood in their ranks. Goodness gracious me I thought, two good goalkeepers not even playing, that’s not right.

Then Tom - the world’s second biggest football fan – said in a frustrating fashion: “The best players in the league should be playing football” (the whole Carlos Tevez affair really got to him also). I questioned him, just because devil’s advocate is a role I enjoy playing. I can’t remember exactly what I said but it must have been silly because he replied with “So you’re telling me Dimitar Berbatov wouldn’t do a job at Wigan?”. Of course he would.

To cut a long story short, we decided between us at about 9pm it would be good if we came up with a system that meant the best players in the Premier League were all playing. It would also mean we could stop players such as Shaun Derry and Emile Heskey from stealing a Premier League living. “Not tonight though Tom, it’ll take ages” I pleaded. Well folks, when the world’s 2^nd biggest football fan has something like that in his bonnet you just can’t stop him. At 11.45pm it had been completed. 

The Method

1)      Predict the final league table. This includes those that get relegated and those promoted, so effectively we had the 20 best teams in the country. It was decided Manchester United would win the league, and Reading would be promoted via the play-offs (along with West Ham and Southampton).  QPR, Wolves and Wigan get relegated so they aren’t in contention.

2)      The selection process. The league winner (Man Utd) gets first pick of each position, Reading get last. It may not seem fair to all of you, but not to worry, can’t please everyone.

3)      Formation. Each team plays a 4-4-2 cause it’s solid and everyone knows their role.

4)      Player selection.  Imagine each manager sat around a big table. Goalkeepers are first. Fergie picks Joe Hart, poor Brian McDermott is left with what we perceive to be the 20^th best keeper, cause everyone else has picked. As I say, highly subjective the way we chose players. It basically came from what we thought and what we thought alone.

5)      For positions where 2 players are required (centre backs, centre mids and strikers) we had to pick and rank the 40 best players in their position. And the way these were selected goes as follows...
Fergie: I’ll have Nemanja
Mancini: I’ll have Vincent K then
Wenger: Well in my opinion Terry is third best so i’m taking him
...
McDermott: Cool, well I think the 20^th best centre back is Brede Hangelaand, so i’m having him.
Then it goes back to Fergie who essentially picks the 21^st best centre back to partner Vidic. Etc, etc, etc.

The outcome

My theory is that Man Utd have the best players in the league apart from second centre back, second centre mid and second striker. That’s fair, surely, because they are the best team. Reading and other lowly teams on the other hand have received some very good players because of the fact that big clubs are over-run with talent (City, United, Chelsea etc). Average teams like Everton should in theory receive average (respectively, compared to everyone else )players as a result of this system. I believe if this was the case the gap between top and bottom would be a little closer with a higher quality. What do you reckon?

Issues

It doesn’t take into account club loyalty – Paul Scholes ends up at Liverpool for example. Also, we had to make decisions on players based on injuries and form etc. Would you rather have Ryan Giggs or Yohan Cabaye in your team? Giggs is a legend, Cabaye isn’t, but he’s arguably better at this moment in time. Tricky, isn’t it? Neither Craig Gordon or Kieren Westwood make the list. Tough luck guys, but thanks for the inspiration. Another issue is that Tom is a little biased towards Newcastle

So, have a look at the table below. What do you think to it all? Which team looks to have come out of it best? Who’s come out worst? Who looks to have got the signing of the season? For that one, Balotelli at Norwich gets my shout. 

Very much interested in your thoughts. Thanks to Tom - who is incidentally also the world’s biggest crickets fan - for his handy work on Excel. And if you’re wondering who the world’s biggest football fan is, that’s my mate Nathan Shaw. He loves football, he just loves talking about football...

Derby 1-0 Forest

Some nights in football are special. Last night was one of them. I wished to be at Pride Park but instead headed to Radio Derby - perhaps the second best place to be on derby day – to work (don’t go there unless you’re working though cause you won’t be let in, and rightfully so).

I’m told by many the atmosphere was absolutely electric last night, and I can believe it, because night matches are much better than the usual 1pm kick off that usually sees the Derbyshire leg of the East Midlands derby. It’s always a special night when you beat your local rivals, particularly when you dislike the opposition as much as I do. That said, I don’t dislike them enough to sing derogatory songs about a dead man, and neither do the fine majority of Derby fans. The chants do not surprise me, because there are some absolute oxygen wasters in Derby; they should be identified and banned from the ground. Tweets from Forest fans and players (Dexter Blackstock), suggests that all Derby fans were singing the vile chants. Wrong. It was a minority and these people know that, so I find their claims insulting and a way of detracting from another loss to their biggest rivals in what has turned out to be a disastrous season. Some Derby fans have been waiting 40 years to see the Rams beat Forest home and away, yet they are being made to feel guilty about enjoying it, because apparently Derby fans are disgraceful. I’d suggest that Derby possess the same amount of disgraceful fans as Forest do. After all, it’s not nice to sing about Kris Commons’ wife having a miscarriage, is it?

So, to the football. 

Derby seemed to be all over Forest in the first half. “We need to score while we are on top” I’d say to anyone that was listening (the only other chap in the building). We didn’t score and I was left advising an old flame how to lose weight on Facebook, to calm my own nerves. According to the radio, Lee Camp was having a great game, and my housemate’s words from hours before were ringing prominently in my ears: “It’s got draw written all over it”.

The injury to Shaun Barker sounds a sickener. Captain fantastic is out for the season no doubt, and will be hugely missed. Jake Buxton , a man deemed not good enough for Conference side Mansfield Town, came on to replace him. What a rubbish sub, Nigel! Sort it out!

Then Marcus Tudgay got sent off. Then 8 minutes of injury time. Then, the goal.

94 minutes in and voices were getting more excited on the radio, and my thoughts on weight loss subsided (I’ve never dieted or tried to lose weight so why I was the one advising I’ll never know). I cannot remember the exact commentary of Colin Bloomfield, but when I return on Saturday I’ll be doing my utmost to make it my ringtone, for the rare occasions someone wants to talk to me. Absolute pandemonium ensued in the studio I was in.  I stood up and waved my arms, and life doesn’t get more exciting than that for me. Jake Buxton scored and Derby had beat their fiercest rivals in the last minute, and the world (city of Derby) was going crazy for it. 

My coursemates, a rum bunch, were taking time away from insulting my big nose and a love of cats to send me well wishes for the win. Football, hey?! Facebook disappeared off my screen, and I braced myself for the influx of calls. “FUCKIN COME ONNNNN, UP THE RAMS!” was the first. This particular chap hung up before I could lie to him that I’d try and put him on the radio. Swearing on the airwaves is a big no no, even at 10pm. A funny phonecall followed moments later however.

“Hello mate, can I go on air?” said a derby voice.
“Maybe mate, yeah, what’s your name first of all please sir?” I replied.
“Kieran Lee, calling from LA” he said.
“Ah, ay up mate, I’ve seen your willy!” was my first instinct. I managed not to say that and go with the more conservative “I’m following you on Twitter” line.
For those of you who don’t know, Kieran Lee is one of the world’s finest pornstars (apparently) from Derby and friend of the stars. He moved to Los Angeles to pursue his career and by all accounts, he’s done pretty well out of it (i.e LOADED!). He has over 22,500 followers on Twitter, of which I am one. For the record I’ve only seen his willy because it’s insured for £1million, and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. A surreal moment in my life. 

Twitter was going crazy; Jake Buxton, a lad from Mansfield, was trending. Football throws up special stories sometimes, and this was one of them. Buxton was deemed not good enough by Conference side Mansfield Town, and Nigel Clough, who had previously managed him at non-league level with Burton Albion, brought him to Derby. He played a small number of matches at the start of his Derby career and didn’t disgrace himself by any means. His part played in another 1-0 win against Forest in 2010 stays in my mind; serial goalscorer Robbie Earnshaw was suffocating in his pocket that day. His career has been plagued by injury the last year or so, and his performances have been limited to 5 minutes at the end of games, to make up a 5 man defence and try and hold on to slender leads. His appearances were even met with jeers by some sections (some sections, Forest fans, not all). In his wildest dreams he wouldn’t have expected to score last night, and when he did, you could see what a popular lad he was with his team mates. His interview with Colin Gibson after the match was one of the best and most touching I’ve ever heard. He thanked everyone who had helped him to get to this moment; he probably knows the goal will be the high point of his career. There’s absolutely no shame in that though because not many players will score a last minute winner for Derby against Forest.

Were Jake Buxton to be a Sunday League player, he would turn up to the end of season awards and win the Sportsmanship Award.  He is not the best, most talented footballer, but he comes across as a really nice chap - confirmed by a colleague who has interviewed him – and a true professional. Hard working and persistent footballers like him, who don’t moan about being left out most weeks and who keep training hard, deserve a break. Last night he got his, and he will have legendary status round these parts for years to come. If you haven’t heard his interview, listen to it.

Three cheers to Jake Buxton. Three cheers to Derby County. And three big good riddances to the chavvy minority.

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Where did it all go wrong? Whilst this is the title of a massively under-rated Oasis song, it is also a phrase that can be applied to Derby County’s run of form at the minute. Last month I wrote a mid-season report about The Rams and the topsy-turvy nature of the season already. Back then though they were doing well and were about to destroy bottom of the league Coventry 1-0 with a late goal at Pride Park, and in turn make it 5 wins in a row. Seven matches have been and gone since then and precisely 0 games have been won.  

Let us first discuss last night’s game against Leicester. I got off the train at 19:26 and headed towards Radio Derby. On my way I passed many people decked out in the black and white. As a punctual kind of guy my first thoughts were ‘you’re going to miss kick-off’ but then thoughts turned elsewhere. These people looked happy and optimistic (it’s amazing how much you can tell from someone after only viewing them for 3 seconds) and that surprised me. Looking at all the facts, there was absolutely no reason to be optimistic ahead of the match, but football has a tendency to bring out strange feelings and unnecessary optimism. In the failed Premier League season of 2007-08 my brother Chris, who shall remain unnamed, predicted a Derby victory before every single game. Look on the positive side, at least his prediction came true once.

Last night the optimism of one fan drained after 20 minutes. He rang the studio on his way out to say that he had left the ground and wouldn’t be renewing his season ticket. It was the sort of performance that induced pure irrationalism, and I have been known to do similar things on Football Manager, so I sympathised. Derby were worse than very average.

The decision to bring in Tom Carroll on loan and send Miles Addison out on loan to Bournemouth evoked confusion and despair. The decision to bring in Tom Carroll and keep ignoring Chris Maguire (a long term transfer target that simply never plays) evoked confusion and despair. Poor Tom Carroll appears to evoke confusion and despair, through no fault of his own. At a time when Gareth Roberts is the only left back and the now injured John Brayford is the only proper right-back, it seems strange that it was a midfielder Clough used the loan market for. The centre midfielders that have played the majority of the season, Craig Bryson and Jeff Hendrick, whilst both being very solid Championship players, are much of the same. Were one of them to play alongside an Inigo Idiakez type player then things would probably be different.

The strikers are as shy in front of goal as I am around females, and between you and me, you aren’t going to score with that attitude. Two goals in the last seven matches tells its own story. When was the last time Derby had an out and out goalscorer that the opposition feared? Leicester Reserves’ Steve Howard I do believe. Callum Ball has a decent future by the looks of it, Theo Robinson not so much, and it remains to be seen whether Nathan Tyson can stay fit long enough to even form an opinion. The return of Steve Davies offers a glimmer of hope as he has quality, but he simply does not play enough games (although I accept it doesn’t help when you’ve had your skull bashed in).

It is no secret that finances at Derby are very tight. Clough cannot ‘do a Leicester’ and attract high quality players for large money and wages in an attempt to try and buy promotion. His hands are tied in that sense, yet the unpoplular owners, GSE, who restrict these dealings may become more popular in future years if/when more football clubs (Rangers, Portsmouth etc) get into huge trouble for spending way beyond their means. Derby will emerge as a healthy club as a result of the scrutinised running, and despite what anyone says, it is better that there is a team to support than none at all.

In-depth studies into football finances state that the team with the highest wage bill should finish top, and the one with the lowest should finish bottom; any manager that takes their team to a higher placed finish than their wage bills is overachieving.  I find it hard to believe that a club of Derby’s size has a wage bill that is less than 18 other (based on last seasons finish) Championship teams, so on that basis Clough is underachieving*, and that is a view the majority will agree with However, it is about realism. Derby should be finishing higher than 19^th in the league, ABSOLUTELY, but they should not be shoe-ins for promotion every season just because they are heavily supported and won the league twice in the 70’s. A top half finish would be a realistic expectation at this point in the life of Derby County.

Clough has to deal with unrealistic expectations from many Derby fans, but their criticisms of the way Derby’s form fluctuates and declines so rapidly every season is a valid one. The way his team performs so inadequately for large parts of the season is not down to finance, but poor motivational and tactical skills. I suspect Derby are not going to get relegated this season, and they are 6 points better off than they were last season, but this season stinks of missed opportunities. A tweet last night read: “Derby were once a team to be proud of, but not anymore. Clough has got to go”. It is certainly a hot topic of debate. Does Clough have to go? Or will these violent swings in form deteriorate over time?

I started with an Oasis song, so i’ll end on a Take That song. Things can only get better. Surely?

*If it turns out that Derby’s wage bill is actually only 19^th highest in the league then this argument I have is wrong and I am happy to accept that

The Big One...

For those with a DE or NG postcode, Sunday’s match between Derby County and Nottingham Forest is the biggest match of the season. Live in front of a national television audience, the match has finally got recognition for what is usually a full-blooded and drama fuelled game (Stuart Atwell anyone?). City v United, Arsenal v Tottenham, Newcastle v Sunderland, Everton v Liverpool (I could go on, I really could. I have a list of all the world’s local derbies on my living room wall) are no different passion wise to the East Midland’s affair (and no Leicester, we do not care about you).

The difference with this game is that Derby are going into it as favourites. In previous years, a Nottingham Forest team led by Billy Davies were predominantly the better team and the ones with aspirations for higher glories. Now, after departing with Steve Mclaren, and welcoming (not sure many did welcome him, but hey ho) Steve Cotterill, Forest find themselves firmly in the middle of Struggle Street without a map to help them get off it. Few could have imagined Forest’s season would turn out so disastrously when they were 1 goal up and 1 man up against Derby with 88 minutes left to play at the City Ground in mid September. The comeback from Derby may well have been a hammer blow for the Reds. In previous years, such a thing would simply not have happened.

Derby on the other hand have eyes set on the playoffs. If it wasn’t for 3-2 defeat at Barnsley midweek they’d have entered the game in formidable form. They hadn’t conceded in 4 league matches, and were unbeaten in 6 (Ok, maybe not formidable when compared to other great records, but for Derby, that was pretty special form). They know how to grind matches out, unlike Forest who know how not to defend, and how not to score.

So on paper, Derby with home advantage look to be absolute certainties to win the A52 derby, and with it the Brian Clough Cup, but we all know that football is not played on paper. Form goes out the window for local derbies. I thought I’d dedicate this paragraph to footballing clichés, but I’ve ran out now, so let’s move on.

Former Derby man Danny Higginbotham joined Forest on loan in the week, and it is hoped he can do something about Forest’s terrible defence (a defence made weaker by the sale of Wes Morgan to Leicester). How the Forest fans must be hoping for the old ‘score against your old team’ piece of luck to be on their side.

Lee Camp cuts a very unpopular figure amongst the Derby faithful. Derby born and bred, he has done much to distance himself from his past. As well as saving a penalty late on for Forest (as a loan player) against Derby at Pride Park in 2008 and celebrating like a mad man, he struts around the pitch walking as if he has a roll of carpet under each arm. He has not been the most popular man on the banks of the Trent this season either after many poor performances, linked to him being unhappy at not getting a Premier League move to Swansea in the summer. His suggestion that Forest v Leicester is a bigger match than Forest v Derby also irked fans from both teams. Such suggestions come under the category of ‘bullshine’.

Up front, Forest look bereft of ideas. Unlike in previous years when they had Robbie Earnshaw and Dexter Blackstock banging goals in, they now rely on Ishmael Miller, who hasn’t hit it off at Forest, the very average Marlon Harewood, and Marcus Tudgay who is short of goals. Whether Blackstock can return to the form he had before his horrific injury and save them remains to be seen. A Burnley supporting friend of mine went to the City Ground midweek and gave me a report of “they’re a shower of shite mate”. That tells you more than any analysis I can give you.

For Derby, defence has been key. Fielding (no pun intended) a first choice back 5 of Fielding, Brayford, Shackell, Barker and Roberts, the Rams have been nothing but solid in recent games (forgetting Barnsley). Attacking wise they lack that cutting edge though. Callum Ball has emerged as a very bright prospect, and Theo Robinson will score 1 in every 35 chances but it could be a fit again Nathan Tyson that emerges as a match winner on Sunday against his former club.

It’s a match in which evokes pure dislike, but both sets of fans have been united on Twitter this week after a young Nottingham chav wrote for his wish for Forest fans to repeat the scenes in Egypt this week by ‘killing the sheepshaggers on Sunday’. He responded to fans from both sides telling him what a plonker he is by telling them they either had AIDS, or that he'd been with their mother the previous night. Seems like a character. You may not be surprised to know the police are involved, just a shame the hangman isn't.

Predictions... Lee Camp to be booed excessively by the home fans, Nathan Tyson to be booed excessively by the away fans, a cracking atmosphere and a few goals.

I’ve tried to write the article without indicating where my loyalties lie (even though 99% of you reading this will already know), so i’m ditching my objectiveness now...COME ON YOU RAMS!

Role Models.

Yesterday’s tennis match, perhaps the greatest one i’ve ever seen (Federer v Nadal in the Wimbledon final of 2008 comes close), showed not only what great athletes Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic are, but what great people they are as well.

Contrast that to the news today that footballer Lee Hughes has been charged with sexual assault. Maybe his stupid goal celebration was not enough to charm this particular lady he was after. Add this to his 6 year prison sentence for killing a man through dangerous driving, and then running off afterwards, and you realise that this is not a man who kids should be idolising. He will probably be idolised by murderers in jail for his footballing ability, but who cares about that.

John Terry, the England captain, cheated on his wife with his mates ex-girlfriend. He’s also been involved in other misdemeanours, including the current racism trial he is embroiled in. In my opinion, this is not the sort of person children should be looking up to. Likewise, Ashley Cole. Someone who cheats on Cheryl Cole should not be appreciated by anyone, for they clearly have faulty judgement. There are many other footballers that can come into this category (and yes, there are good role model footballers too).

In rugby, the gentlemen’s game (where gentlemen beat each other up and stand on people when they are on the floor), Delon Armitage has today been arrested for assault. Earlier in the month, Danny Care was stopped by police for drink-driving. He will not be considered for selection for some time for the England squad, and his club side Harlequins have made him take part in community projects, as well as fining him. A punishment, but parents of children who idolise the Englishman must be distraught at the damage this has done.

It’s not straight forward; these sport stars do not ask to be role models. Before they became famous they were normal people (I assume), and normal people do bad things (I once forgot all about Mothers Day). Their roles however mean they perform in front of millions of people, and with roles come responsibilities (as i’ve been told numerous times in my life). Young children are so easily influenced by their idols, it is dangerous. Obviously many will grow up and realise that those they used to adore were idiots, but some will see their actions and believe it is ok to do such things. They will grow up drink driving, assaulting women, cheating on their partners, and killing people in car crashes (perhaps not all at once).

So, back to my opening paragraph, and back to a happier note. Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic (include Roger Federer in this as well if you like) are some of the top sporting stars in the world, and will go down in history as sporting greats. When was the last time you saw one of the three in the papers for doing something scandalous? They have devoted their lives to being the best at their sport, but win, lose, or draw, they are gracious, free of scandal, family orientated and respectful. Before they say anything about their usually incredible performances, they acknowledge the other player and their team.

At a young age Uncle Tony, Nadal’s coach (and Uncle!), installed into the Spaniard that it is more important to be a good person than a good tennis player. Evidence suggests he has done pretty well at both. Children that grow up with Nadal, Djokovic and Federer as their idols will stand a good chance of turning into decent human beings and play their sport in the correct way. Other sports stars (and me when playing FIFA) will do well to look at these three and try and conduct themselves in a similar manner.

The Curious Case of Andy Murray

So it will be the Novak Djokovic v Rafael Nadal in the final of the Australian Open this Sunday, after the world number 1 saw off a great Andy Murray performance this afternoon (night, if you happen to be reading this in Australia).

I have been vocal in the past in dismissing Andy Murray as a genuine Grand Slam winner. “He’ll never win a Grand Slam” I’d say to anyone who would listen (usually one or two people, MAX). However, his performance today made me question my view. He isn’t going to win the Australian Open (obviously), but if he can perform like he did for the best part of 3 sets today in future tournaments, i’ll probably be eating my words. 

Novak Djokovic is super human at the minute. It wouldn’t surprise me if in future he is talked about with the same esteem as Batman, Superman, and Crocodile Dundee (amongst other superheroes). His defence today was unnatural; returning balls that he had absolutely no right to even get close to. The only thing that can stop him is probably a restraining order against the tennis ball, but it would be a strange move by the courts (no pun intended) to allow such a thing. Andy Murray’s defence wasn’t too shabby either though. These two slugged it out numerous times in almost 30 shot rallies. Winners were aplenty, as were poor challenges.

I said to my friend in the gym during the first set “Looks like Novak’s going to do this one easily” and he agreed. Then after getting fed up of inflicting unnecessary pain upon my biceps I walked home to find Murray in control of the 2^nd set.

The third set lasted as long as a football match. They were breaking each other for fun (but more likely to try and win the match) and one thought kept going through my head. “Murray is like Youtube. He’ll get ahead, and then the little circular thing that moves along by the second will catch up with that grey bar that shows how much has loaded, and hey presto, he’s buffering”. Murray often broke or played an incredible shot, before Djokovic replied spectacularly to regain the edge. He could never seem to keep ahead for long. That’s the point i’m trying to express.

Anyway, Murray overcame the buffering problems (much like I did when trying to watch a film on Youtube yesterday) and took the third set.

The fourth set was a bit of a disaster for the Scottish Andy Murray, so i’ll take you straight to the fifth set. Djokovic was serving for the match at 5-2, I tweeted something about Murray bottling it, and then he broke back, to show that I know NOTHING about sport. Murray found some energy, and his quality returned. It was squeaky bum time from here on in (or squeaky bumhole as one of my non-sporty friends once mistakenly said).

Djokovic prevailed, but Murray can be proud of his performance. If he was playing Federer today, he would have won fairly easily in my opinion. He might have even scraped past Nadal too. But this Serbian chap; he’s special. If Djokovic plays to his very best in at least 3 sets, he will win the match. Murray made him play that well this afternoon. One day though, he might only play to 95%, and that’s when someone will have a slim chance.

Some (me) will say Murray is a bottler. In the past he has been, without doubt. His quest for a Grand Slam still eludes him. It wasn’t bottle that lost the match for Murray today though, it was simply that he came up against a better opponent. Murray and Djokovic have always been close in the rankings, and years ago it was a question of which one would take the bull by its horns and kick on (don’t try this at home/in a field). Novak (i’m not actually on first name terms with him) has done that spectacularly.

With this new coach of Murray’s though, Ivan Lendl, it looks as if he is now also gearing up to kick on. If he does, people can stop using the excuse of “He’s unfortunate to play in an era of 3 greats”, and start saying “This era of tennis is fantastic, with the 4 greats we have on show”.

Today was a great day for tennis. One of the all time great matches; an epic. Novak Djovokic proved why he is the best in the world, and Murray proved why, one day, he CAN win a Grand Slam. Somewhere in a hotel room in Melbourne, Rafael Nadal will be overjoyed that Djokovic was pushed to his mental and physical limits today. Either that, or he’ll just be asleep.

How to solve a problem like Wigan...

Ever since the start of last season, I have been one wishing defeats against Wigan. Primarily because I had money on them to be relegated. “Their time of overachieving must come to an end” I said to myself, in a less sinister way than it probably sounds. Fast forward then to the end of last season, and Wigan defy the odds and win away at Stoke to escape the bottom 3, after paying a seasons worth of rent to the relegation zone. I lost my money, and I lost my temper. “They’ve got no fans! They don’t deserve to be there!” I remember saying, in a strop at 5pm on Survival Sunday. This view has been echoed by many recently, so, how do we solve a problem like Wigan?

Last night 16,026 turned up to see Wigan v Man City. Over 5,000 of these fans were affiliated to City, meaning just the 11,000 home fans. 9,000 tickets in the home end(s) went unsold, for a local match against top of the league. I’m almost done with numbers, so bare with me. They average 16,056 per game, and as a percentage that is just 63% of the ground that is filled.

Joey Barton took time away from being controversial and moaning about a red card, to make a good point on Twitter. "Wigan should give surplus tickets to local schools or kids homes or something. Better than having plastic chairs IMO!! Or 2 for 1 tickets". For those of you not familiar with internet/text abbreviations, IMO = In my opinion. It's vital the club try and convert the youngsters into Wigan fans, before they are abducted by rugby league.

Barton wasn’t the only one tweeting about the plastic chairs on show though. “Fancy dress at Wigan tonight. Fans turning up as empty seats” was a popular tweet. I smiled at the first one, but by the 127^th I knew what the punchline was. I got an overwhelming sense that people were angry that Wigan were in the Premier League, purely based on their lack of support.

There are teams in the lower leagues that could attract well over 30,000 a week if they returned to the top flight. Leeds, Sheffield Wednesday and Derby County being casing points. Derby sold out their ground more or less every week in the 2007-08 season and got a mighty 11 points. So did they bring more (i’m talking metaphorically now rather than literally) to the Premier League than Wigan? Well, they signed some greats of the game, such as Claude Davis, Benny Feilhaber and Roy Carroll, whilst Wigan have only managed to attract the likes of Antonio Valencia, Huge Rodallega and Victor Moses (who was tipped to go to Barcelona, amongst others).

The Latics have done everything right on the pitch since they reached the Promised Land, and credit must go to Dave Whelan for his wise running of the club. Whether you like it or not (and I certainly didn’t like it last season), Wigan deserve to be in the Premier League because they’ve consistently been better than at least 3 other clubs. I suppose we could apply for a new ruling that states that only the best supported teams can be in the Premier League, but that sort of notion thankfully died out in 1945. Just imagine if Wigan filled their stadium every week. More income, more money to go towards players and wages. The likes of Emile Heskey would be flocking back to Lancashire, and the Manchester teams would probably (but almost certainly not) be looking over their shoulders, nervously...

Wigan is a town. A town famous for pies and rugby league. More fans turn up to watch Wigan Warriors than Wigan Athletic. In fact, in 2011 the Warriors smashed all sorts of attendance records for the sport. To put it simply, the people of Wigan would rather watch 20stone men run into each other at speed, than watch 22 people run around a pitch kicking a ”bag of wind” (this particular phrase was used as an insult to the game of football by an old friend of mine).

So yes, it would be lovely, if, when watching Wigan on television, we’d see the faces of some lovely Lancastrians’, instead of thousands of faded blue and red seats, but it’s important that we try not to discriminate against the actual Wigan team, and those that do turn up. Currently, they deserve to be in the Premier League more than the 72 teams below them. So to conclude, there is no problem to solve, and it’s much easier saying that when you have invested no money and are not wishing defeat on them every week. 

A 50th Minute Report on Derby's season.

With just over half the season gone, Derby currently sit 10^th in the Championship, on the back of 5 wins out of 6 in all competitions. It has already resembled a rollercoaster of emotions for the club though; a rollercoaster that has showcased the fickle nature of football fans.

A great start to the season saw the Rams win their first 4 league matches. Fans were ringing up Radio Derby expressing their delight at having Brian Clough’s son in charge.  Fans relief at sticking with Nigel Clough through the previous 3 years of poor times poured on to the airwaves. People were even talking about the dreaded ‘P’ word, despite the fact it was early enough in the season to get a suntan on Blackpool beach.

Then, as with previous seasons, came the sticky patch. Five straight league defeats in November woke the moaners up from their hibernation. Anger and petulance replaced relief from fans on the airwaves.  “Nige isn’t his fathers son. Get rid of him before it’s too late” is the sort of phrase that wouldn’t look out of place on a Jeremy Kyle show, but it was in fact the view of one Derby fan. Others were equally as damning, but they stayed away from bringing genetics into it. A Tottenham fan even waded in to the Nigel Clough bashing. “I live in the area and I feel so sorry for Derby fans. They’ve put up with so much rubbish for so long now. It’s not fair. They’re great people and deserve so much better than the tripe they’re getting”.

Transport yourself to late December. Santa has been, and the rollercoaster is emerging from the lowest depth of its course so far. Back-to-back home wins against high flying Leeds and West Ham cause giddy excitement. An away win at Hull in the new year sends fans dizzy with delirium. A home win against Palace in the FA Cup delights the 10,000 that turned up to watch, but makes others wish it was a league match whilst the team are in good form.

The moaners returned to the burrows. The airwaves opened to those wanted to portray Nigel Clough as the next Jose Mourinho (for the record, that didn’t happen, but you get the point). The good form coincided with the return from injury of key players; something that Clough has been robbed of for so long during his spell as manager.

Shaun Barker has formed a solid partnership with Jason Shackell at centre back, and John Brayford and Gareth Roberts have been in impressive form in front of Frank Fielding. Other key players have returned, such as Paul Green and James Bailey. The emergence of young striker Callum Ball has also been a positive for the Rams, scoring against Bristol City and a cracker against West Ham.

So Derby look to be on the up again, but even the most optimistic of fans will have a handbook locked away in a drawer somewhere, informing them of how many Derby fans deal with disastrous runs. 1) Boo excessively 2) Shout obscenities at players when they misplaces a pass (don’t forget to tell them they’re not fit to wear the shirt, too). 3) Start calling for Clough to leave 4) Ring up Radio Derby and rant about everything bad in the world. To the best of my knowledge, this book has not been published, but it is an insight into how things work for the moaners.

Where can it go wrong then? Bottom side Coventry visit Pride Park on Saturday. Short of form, short of good players, and short of fans. Were this match taking place on Football Manager, the pre-match teamtalk would be ‘Don’t get complacent out there!’. The Rams need to keep playing as they are and hope for an injury free run to key players. Fans also need to stay calm and positive. Whilst at Derby, Robbie Savage remarked that it can be unpleasant playing at Pride Park when things are going wrong, because of the negativity of some fans. Derby are the second best supported team in the Championship - behind West Ham - with an average attendance of over 26,000. So when it goes wrong, as it has so often in recent years, there are plenty there to witness it. But when things are going right, there are even more there.

This season now should be one in which they do not flirt with relegation, but instead time they started on the road to becoming like their next FA Cup opponents, Stoke (without the long ball), rather than next league opponents, Coventry. The angry Tottenham fan has a point; Derby fans do deserve better, but you never know, that might be just around the corner...