Take the show on the road

It’s a question that has been floating around for a while now, but it’s never floated quite so prominently as it has since the game against Slovenia on Saturday. Should England go back to playing matches around the country, rather than at Wembley?

The Wembley pitch looked awful after an American Football game was played on it six days before the Slovenia game. It was churned up in the centre of the pitch and the NFL branding was still evident. “Touchdown to England” people joked after each of their three goals. The national team deserves to play on an immaculate pitch. League Two teams play on better pitches than the one England played on. That shouldn't be the case.

The atmosphere in the first half too was typical of an England game at Wembley. A dull murmur echoed around the stadium. It resembled the scene in a classroom when technology fails on a teacher who is planning to play a DVD to his/her class. “Just chat amongst yourselves” they say, while they frantically try to rectify the fault with the DVD player.

The first 45 minutes was as dull a football game as you could wish to see, so it’s perhaps unfair to expect a good atmosphere. Or is it? Is it the role of the fans to stimulate the players to play better, or is it the role of the players to stimulate the fans to sing louder and clap harder? Catch 22 situation you might say.  

Is the poor atmosphere down to the design of the stadium? Afterall, it was created as a multi-purpose venue, rather the one specifically intended to generate a good atmosphere for football fans. You could argue that the fantastic atmospheres for club games (playoff finals), renders that point useless.

Is it that Wembley has become too corporate? A lot has been made of the much maligned Club Wembley tier and the amount of empty seats on show at the start of each half. It looks terrible on tv, and the people who use these seats are generally there for a enjoyable day out, and not to contribute to the atmosphere.

Is it the fact that most of England’s opponents are highly underwhelming? Slovenia, San Marino and Norway have been the last three teams to play under the arch. At any level of football, the atmosphere tends to improve when the opposition is better.

Taking England on the road, as was done at the start of the Millennium, could eliminate a lot of these problems. We all know that it isn’t going to happen any time soon because Wembley simply cost too much money for it not to be used at every possible occasion. But for the next few hundred words let’s just pretend that money is no object and that Wembley was donated to us free of charge by those wonderful folk at FIFA (save that one for a rainy day).

Taking the national team to the North, to the Midlands or to the South West would have a number of benefits. Assume England’s qualifier against Lithuania in March were to be played at Molineux, for example. Would the people of the West Midlands be bothered that it’s just “little old Lithuania”? Of course not. The prospect of seeing the top 11 English players close to home would be enough to sell out the ground and generate a fantastic, joyous atmosphere. It would create England fans for the future.

WWE (professional wrestling) visits the UK for one week every six months. They do the live TV shows at different cities each time: London, Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham. It is noticeable how much better the atmosphere and crowd reaction is for these shows compared to the ones in the United States. That’s because it’s a new experience for the English fan and they’re determined to make the most of the rare occasion. Variety is the spice to life apparently. Let’s try it out with football, hey?

England played Mexico at Pride Park in 2001. I didn’t go, but because it was close to home I will always remember the occasion. There was a massive buzz around the area. We even have a road sign in our house somewhere with “England v Mexico” and an arrow pointing in the rough direction to the stadium (I would just like to go on record to say that commandeering road signs is neither big or clever).

I remember England also playing at the Stadium of Light in Sunderland, and Villa Park in Birmingham. Why do I remember it? Because it was different, it was unique. If Bristol get a stadium capable of hosting the Three Lions, it would be an ideal city to host an international match. I’d love to see England play at Hillsborough in Sheffield, or at the Riverside in Middlesbrough; i’ve always wondered what the Riverside would look like if it was more than half full.

It would also be a clever move by the FA get people properly interested in England again, or to give something back to the fans. After years of disappointment on the international stage, would that be too much to ask? Frankly, it’s now boring watching England play at Wembley every game. By all means, if there was ever a massive qualifying match with everything riding on it, play it at Wembley; it’s the only stadium that can accommodate 90,000 people.

How do other international teams compare? Do they stick to one stadium? Some do, but lots don’t. Let’s look at the last two World Cup winners, starting with Germany. Their 2016 qualifiers so far have been played in Dortmund, Gelsenkirchen, and Nuremburg. Next up? Frankfurt and Leipzig. No games at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin – the nation’s capital.

What about Spain? So far they’ve played in Valencia and Huelva. In their qualifying for the 2014 World Cup they played in Palma, Albecete, Gijon and Madrid. Obviously there are geographical differences between Spain, Germany and England. We’re a lot smaller so it is perhaps more feasible to expect supporters to travel to one stadium every game, even if it is on a school night with San Marino as the prize at the end of the motorway.

It’s not really fair or possible to expect this in Germany and Spain. However, in our quest to be the best footballing nation on earth, we’re constantly looking at these two nations and trying to adopt their best practice, so why not follow their lead on taking the show on the road?

First time for everything

If a striker hit a ball into a beach ball which then deflected past the goalkeeper and in to the net...so what? It’s already happened. If a player got sent off for biting his opponents shoulder...so what? It’s already happened.  If Alfreton Town played Bristol Rovers in a Conference match...now we’re talking. There are very few firsts in football anymore, but last night saw the two teams meet for the first time ever, such has been the historical gulf between the clubs.

In January 2002, Nathan Ellington scored a hat-trick as Third Division Bristol Rovers knocked Premiership Derby County out of the FA Cup at Pride Park. They became the first side at that level to beat top flight opponents on their home turf. In the same season, Alfreton Town were winning the Northern Counties (East) League. 

Rovers enter the Football League in 1920 and stayed their for 94 years, until relegation from League Two last season. Alfreton joined the Conference in 2011 after winning the Conference North. It was now time for these two teams to forget history and do battle.  

It was a disgusting night for football at the Impact Arena. The Bristol Rovers manager Darrell Clarke warned his team beforehand about the “slopey” and “boggy” pitch his team would have to play on. The pitch actually played remarkably well considering the amount of rain that fell on it all evening.

Over 300 hardy souls made the long journey up from the south west to watch their beloved Gas. Lots of football league clubs would kill for that level of support. In a rare move, the ground enforced a strict segregation. Usually, the fans cross over at half time to ensure they can roar their team on at the end they’re attacking. There was none of that last night.

The majority of Rovers supporters were on the terrace behind the goal, huddled under the bit of shelter the stand offered. There were a lucky few who had seats under cover by the side of the pitch. At the other end, some brave Alfreton fans stood behind the uncovered goal cheering their team on. Some had umbrellas, others, sadly didn’t. They personified the commitment involved with non-league football.

It was a game that had 0-0 written all over it beforehand. Rovers have adapted fairly well to life in the Conference but are very shy in front of goal which will be their undoing if they don’t get promoted. Alfreton have struggled this season but their home form has been good in recent weeks.

Alfreton’s Anthony Howell saw an ambitious shot go off target in the first half. Nothing wrong with that though according to the Alfreton faithful: “If you don’t shoot, you don’t score” said one Reds fan to his mate. He’d obviously never seen me try to deal with a back-pass on a bobbly pitch.

It was an even first half. Dan Bradley had a long range effort fantastically saved by Football League stalwart Steve Mildenhall. The follow up went in but the linesman had flagged for offside.

It was hard to take my eyes away from Bristol Rovers’ central midfielder Stuart Sinclair, or “the Bearded Viking” as one fan described him. He’s only small but his appearance gives him presence. He has an uncanny resemblance to WWE wrestler Daniel Bryan.

  

He had a fairly quiet game but he was always showing for the ball and quick to get a toe in when his team needed a tackle. He looks a tidy player at this level.

As the second half went on, Alfreton sensed that a draw against their promotion chasing rivals would represent a very good point. Rovers were the team who were chasing the win, but aside from a few decent saves from Cameron Dawson, they didn’t threaten too much and looked like a side who had only scored 21 goals in 18 games.

Anthony Howell had a bad few minutes in the second half and this sparked debate in the Alfreton stands:

“Oh get him off Nicky (Law, the manager)” shouted one man. It got a heated reply from a bloke sat about 7 seats away.
“Oh shut up ya bloody idiot!” he replied.
“Why?” the heckler demanded.
“Cause you’re a bloody idiot!” the man responded.

The argument went on about whether it’s beneficial to criticise players whilst they’re trying their best for the team. On the pitch, it was a similar pattern of Bristol Rovers attacking; the ball would end up in the hands of the Alfreton keeper who kicked it straight back up-field only for it to come immediately back. Repeat. The Rovers defence were impressive, comfortably dealing with all of Alfreton’s long balls, but they need a better strike force to get out of this league and back to where they belong.

Frustration was growing in the Bristol end, and it climaxed with a poor corner from Lee Mansell. One fan went apoplectic with rage and in no uncertain terms told him he wasn’t very good at taking corners.

Alfreton held on for the goalless draw and the general consensus was that it was a very valuable point. The majority of Rovers fans emptied the stands the moment the ref blew his whistle. It was no evening to be hanging about.

It may have been a first league meeting between the two teams, but when fans are asked to recall their top five favourite games, this one wouldn’t come first in anyone’s list. It probably wouldn’t even come 101^st

Donation

I got accosted by a green jacket wearing young lady with a clipboard down Derby’s main street. It’s extremely hard NOT to get accosted down that street.

“Can I have a quick word with you please Sir?” she asked, as I tried to circumnavigate her with my headphones in. “No, sorry” I said. When people with clipboards ask for words, what they really want is money. And I’m tight.

“Great, can I ask how old you are?”. Here’s me thinking I had just said no, but now I was drawn into to this battle of trying not give in to the clipboard warrior.

“24” I said, “Getting on a bit now”.

“I’m 26, are you trying to say I’m old?” she replied, quickly. Knowing full well that girls get a bit touchy about I age, I just said “Yes, I guess I am”. I was in no mood for this battle of wits.

Apparently though, at 24 I was JUST old enough to be useful to her. How convenient.

“Ok so we’re doing great work at Cancer Research blah blah blah”: She didn’t say blah blah blah, but if she did I’d have donated there and then. For the record, they do appear to be doing great work and I hope it leads to some sort of cure.

“So what we want to do is get a steady stream of income from people. Just a couple of pence a week. You can manage that can’t you?” The couple of pence turned out to be £2 a week.

I replied by saying that I’m only on a 1.5 hour contract a week at work, and that I cannot guarantee I will be able to afford an outlay of £8 a month on charity. After all, charity starts at home. I love clichés. *at this point I’d like you all to put away your loose change and spare cardboard boxes because I do much more than my 1.5 contracted hours and whilst not being riddled in money, I do occasionally treat myself to the odd expensive cookie*

Well, that just didn’t cut it.  “£8 a month isn’t much” she said. Well when I’m on a theoretical annual salary of £709, it is quite a lot. She wasn’t having any of it, so I tried a new approach.

“I just like to donate to charity when I can afford it” and then, a crucial error, “I already donate to charity anyway” (I don’t).

“Oh really, good stuff, which one?”

Flustered, I had no choice but to think on my feet. As usual, my Charlie wasn’t too far from my mind, so I blurted out “Cats Protection League!”. She didn’t look impressed. I thought about telling her about the time my lovely Lily died of Leukaemia, but refrained. Lily was a black and white cat, emotionally fragile, used to eat bread, and was good mates with Charlie.

Sometimes, you just have to be blunt. “No, I’m sorry, I’m not donating weekly”.

She gave me a look of death and turned around to try and get a “word” out of someone else.

Cancer is no laughing matter, which is why I got back and donated money on my own terms, without giving in to a clipboard warrior. I understand how important charities are, and my gripe is not with them. My gripe is with people who just don’t take no for an answer, hence these words.

Five minutes after I donated, I got a call and was greeted by an automated voice. I put the phone straight down. I aint after PPI. Then immediately…a text. “This is Natwest Bak Fraud Team. Please contact us urgently on PHONE NUMBER regarding suspect fraud on your account”. Obviously my unusually kind gesture of donating money off my own back was enough to get alarm bells ringing at National Westminster. My account wasn’t frauded as it goes. There were just lots of suspicious payments. £20.03 on petrol. £49 in a sports shop. £20.01 on petrol.  If only I could use a sodding petrol pump correctly.

My Big Day Out

I have had an affinity with Manchester United ever since I was young. David Beckham’s goal from the half way line in 1996 saw to that. A year later when he got sent off in the World Cup, I cried. My mum sat on my bed that night and assured me he’d be alright in the long run. I guess she was right. It was only when Derby were struggling in the Championship in the early 2000’s that I decided to support my local team. What a fantastic decision, because at this rate we’ll be passing them next season.

I’ve never prescribed to this view of hating Manchester United. I always want them to win the Premier League and Champions League, even though I am not what you’d call a supporter. So when the chance arose to attend a Man Utd press conference courtesy of one of their sponsors, I jumped at it (actually, that’s a lie - I deliberated for 3 days whether it was worth losing a full day’s work over it, and in the end I decided it was). I was going to Old Trafford to ask some of the best players in the world some questions!!!  It didn’t really turn out like that though.

I had to kill time on my arrival so I walked around the Megastore which was frequented by a rather large number of Chinese people. Proof if needed that this is one of the biggest clubs in the world. Replica shirts donned the walls. A shirt with all the official badges and Van Persie 20 on the back cost a mouth watering £75. Football has gone to the dogs. Back in my day, when I was a lad, it cost 75p per letter and £1.50 per number. For that reason I rarely ventured further than (Mart) Poom 1.Interestingly, Poom was number 21, but even at that age I knew I was pretty tight with money, so that was £1.50 saved.

I arrived in the suite where I was told to meet, walked through a door and was greeted by a spectacular view of the pitch and stadium. This was base for the next 4 hours. For the first part of the day I was introduced to various people as a “competition winner”. Competition winner? It made me sound like I’d coloured in a pretty picture and been asked to turn up to Old Trafford to collect my prize. I’d turned down good pay and a shift as an actual journalist to be branded a competition winner. “This is Jonathan, he correctly identified that David De Gea’s playing position is a goalkeeper! Who’s a clever boy!?” After a while I found the heart to declare I hadn’t actually won a competition, and was there in fact, as a blogger.

This wasn’t a real press conference. I was there with two season ticket holders who legitimately won a competition – fair play to them - and one other blogger.  A week before the visit I was asked to submit a few questions to the players. They would have to be approved by the club. There was no room for adding extra questions on the day. God forbid we go off script and ask about something else.

Anders Lindegaard, Johnny Evans, Sam Johnstone, Phil Jones and Chris Smalling all turned up at different times in their full kit, complete with gloves and boots. I know what you’re thinking... He’s a goalkeeper.

 They were doing a photo shoot as well as well as this mock conference. Anders walked in first and shook us all by the hand and answered our cutting edge questions: “What’s your favourite celebration/Who do you think is the best player United have had in the last 20 years/Do you prefer cats or dogs?” The last one is a joke, but the whole scripted nature of it left a sour taste. This is not how press conferences work. Trust me, I know, i’ve been to at least 6 (maybe 7).

I asked Chris Smalling which sport he’d be a professional in if it wasn’t football. He replied with tennis. That should have been it.; there was no scripted question after that. Wrap up, Jonno!!! I don’t know what came over me though and I did something utterly outrageous which I still wake up in cold sweats about to this very day. I asked an unscripted question. “Who’s your favourite tennis player then Chris?”. Jaws hit the floor. Eyes were burning through me. I’d just rebelled! Bloody journalists. Ps. Roger Federer.

I am taking nothing away from the players. They were all very friendly and happy to pose for photos (that also doesn’t happen at proper press conferences “Excuse me David Moyes, after i’ve asked you this question, how about a photo for my Facebook profile pic?”). Footballers get a bad reputation, but these 5 came across extremely well. They didn’t act as if it was a burden to speak to these competition winners (and me) and they all went up in my estimation.

When i’m in certain situations, my style of questioning takes an unusual route. I tend to focus on negatives. I wanted to know who the chaps think will win the World Cup. I could have just asked them that, but for some reason I said: “Sorry to rub this in lads (Anders and Johnny) but you aren’t going to the World Cup. That said, who do you think will win it?”. They didn’t laugh at this unique style, but likewise I didn’t get thrown out of the stadium.

We waited to see if Nemanja Vidic would come in for a few minutes because he was in a suite further down entertaining some other sponsors. He didn’t come in though, and i’m grateful for it really because I don’t think he’d appreciate my style of questioning. The day was over. I left and made my way for a tram. I was stood opposite a very young chav wearing a full Adidas tracksuit and holding a plastic bag. In it were several packs of fizzy Chewitts. Give it a few years and the Chewitts will turn to knives.

The article I was supposed to write about the day for the blogging site I was representing had to be sent off for Manchester United to approve. No, really. Apparently, they didn’t want any further bad press considering their on the field problems this year. This article hasn’t been sent to Manchester United for their approval, because frankly, it wouldn’t get it. I’d be the most wanted man since Edward Snowden if they read this. With that in mind, i’m off to gain asylum in Ecuador...

Nigel Clough sacked by Derby County

There was a pouring of outrage, shock, confusion and relief last night as news emerged that Nigel Clough had been sacked as Derby County manager. Judging by the majority of tweets and phone calls however - along with the thoughts of people such as Robbie Savage - anger and upset edge out happy and excited in the emotion stakes. But why?

Brian Clough’s departure was the worst moment in Derby County’s history. Clough snr’s work put Derby on the map. Sacking his son amounts to sacrilege in the eyes of supporters who had to witness a messy and heartbreaking divorce the first time round. “You should never sack a Clough” is something i’ve heard many fans say. The difference is though, when Sam Longson and the Derby County board of directors made Brian’s position untenable in 1973, Derby were deprived of the European Cup’s Nottingham Forest later went on to win. When Sam Rush phoned Nigel Clough last night (poor form if true) to sack him, he deprived the Derby County fans of...another mid-table finish in the Championship and another season of infuriating fluctuations in form. That’s the truth.

Despite his legendary status at Forest, Nigel Clough is a Derby man and when he was appointed in January 2009, i’m pretty sure 99% of Derby fans wanted him to succeed, and the disappointing thing is that he didn't, at least not on the pitch anyway. Few managers will have the initial level of support in the stands that Nigel Clough was granted when he turned up almost 5 years ago. There should be no room for sentimentality in professional sport, but if a sentimental appointment comes off, it’s all the sweeter. I lost faith in Clough last season, but his sacking still hurt me a little bit because it would have been brilliant for Nigel to continue Brian’s legacy and take Derby into the Premier League. When you realise that isn’t going to happen though, you need to make hard decisions. It’s a bit like being in a relationship; if it’s not working, you have to let her/him go. “It’s not you, it’s me/if you love them, let them go/insert cliché here”

I mentioned Nigel Clough didn’t succeed on the pitch. Mid-table finishes were accomplished, but only after often intense flirting with relegation. Derby were never serious play-off contenders under Clough, despite promising starts to seasons. This is where the Clough fans make their point though. “Who else could have done better with no money?”. They have a point. Nigel did a superb job of cutting the wage bill, getting rid of the deadwood, and assembling a good, young squad by giving academy products a chance and buying some gems from the lower leagues. Would Will Hughes have played as much professional football under someone like Billy Davies? No. Would John Brayford be the Premier League star he is today if Nigel didn’t spot his potential (I jest, come back to Derby, John, you're brilliant!). Off the pitch, Nigel Clough did a superb job.

So, to answer the question posed by Clough supporters, no, perhaps no-one could have done better than Clough to get Derby where they are now. That’s when you have to ask the question “Who else could do better with this squad of players?” The answer to that, sadly, is plenty. His lack of man management skills and tactical nous saw Derby lose games that should have been won. Sitting back on a one goal lead with a defence as fragile as Derby’s is not the way to success. Openly criticising his players sits uncomfortably with me and cannot do anything for the player’s confidence. The point is, Nigel did a great job to set the foundations, but he took the club as far as he could. It’s now time for someone else to take this talented squad to the next level. I’m not going to go into candidates here.

The board are going to get a slating for this from pro-Clough supporters and casual fans and pundits. They haven’t given him millions to spend, but by no means have they flat-out denied him either. Decent money was spent on Conor Sammon, Richard Keogh, Jason Shackell, Johnny Russell and even Chris Maguire, to name a few. Attendances have dropped alarmingly, and as an owner of the club who relies on income from bums on seats, that’s a huge issue. Attendances were averaging around 28,000 on Clough’s arrival. This season they are around the 22,000 mark. It’s a problem that can’t, and hasn’t been ignored. The main issue I have is the timing of it. It’s given the Forest fans something else to brag about. Agent Clough and all that. Enough about them though.

It’s a sad moment, but the head needs to rule the heart in football, and on this occasion I believe it has done. So thank you Nigel. I, along with most Rams fans, am grateful for you clearing up the mess left by Paul Jewell and Billy Davies and giving us a great platform to build on, but it was time to move on. Best of luck in the future. It’s not you, it’s me...

Christ, this was a bit serious. Next time i’ll tell you about the time a Sun Care Adviser convinced me to uncharacteristically spend 19 Euros on some Aloe Vera aftersun!

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The perils of broadcasting, ITV & Mourinho

JM: “I want be…I would love to be where people love me to be…”

GC: “We’ll take that as England, gotta go!”

And with that short exchange, Gabriel Clarke and ITV infuriated a nation of football lovers. Where did you have to go Gabriel? The toilet? Seriously though, Gabriel Clarke was not at fault. He was made to look the idiot by his bosses, much like James Corden was when he was ordered to cut Adele’s winning speech short at the Brits. The similarities? Both were on ITV. The difference?  Mourinho was about to sell his soul to Gabriel Clarke. He was going to tell him everything. Afterall, ITV form part of the English media that Jose so loves. With Adele? She was about to reel off a long list of people who helped her make an album. Thrilling hey?

Cutting Mourinho off last night was a crime against sport and another black mark against ITV’s coverage of football. Remember when they missed England’s opening goal of the 2010 World Cup? No? Me neither because I’m not fortunate enough to have HD television, however, they definitely did cut to an advert just before Steven Gerrard slotted in! The Champions League is split between ITV and Sky Sports. There’s absolutely no way Sky Sports would have cut the Special One off in order to hit the adverts/news on time.

It would almost be like President Obama giving a news conference to the written press. “Gentleman, we have identified the target the terrorists want to hit!” “Oh stop there please Barack, my pen has run out! Sods law. We wish you the best of luck in protecting that place though! See ya!”

As a man who works in the world of sports broadcasting, albeit on local radio and not on national television, I feel strongly about last night’s cock-up (if you can’t tell). I’m going to let you into the depths of my professional life as I vaguely explain to you how things like this work.

You have to hit the news on time at the top of the hour, and usually this is no problem. As a studio producer for live football games, I am in the studio pressing the buttons and chatting to the presenter instructing him about timings etc. Everything is done to the second so we can opt in to the news on time. For night games we have less time on air after the full time whistle, so timings are tighter and it’s sometimes a struggle to fit everything in, but we’re always keen to hear live from the Derby manager Nigel Clough, particularly if the result is an important one or something huge has happened. The listeners deserve it; they have invested their time listening to the game and want to hear the manager explain himself if the Rams have performed abjectly (it does sometimes happen ya know). Sometimes he will turn up at 21:57 and our programme finishes at 22:00. Three minutes is not enough, so what do we do? What we do is what ITV should have done. Go to the news late. It’s a decision that the senior man usually makes, which in this case is usually my good colleague and presenter Owen. I will then work out the best way to end the programme and get to the news or the next programme.

It’s not fantastic, but it’s the right thing to do. We live in a world where news is readily available. Everyone with a TV has access to a 24 hour news channel. Everyone with a phone or a computer has access to the internet. If they are so desperate for the news, they can find it. Last night, the person producing/directing ITV’s coverage should have had a) the knowledge to realise they were on to something big, and b) the balls to keep the programme on air for an extra 2 minutes. The ironic thing is, by cutting the programme short to go to the news, THEY MISSED THE NEWS! Mourinho was the news.

I understand that the pressures on a national television broadcaster are much greater than those on a local radio station, but what would have happened if the News at 10 changed to the News at 10:02? Would anyone have died? You’d hope not – this is not North Korea! ITV would obviously have had a contingency plan for if the game went to extra time, so there was an opportunity to stay on air later. Unless of course their plan was Adrian Chiles signing off saying “So folks, great game and we have extra time. If you want to know the result, check the papers tomorrow. We’re off to the news. Night night!”

Sky Sports News got the in depth interview with Mourinho afterwards, but the damage was done by then. The excitement had gone. We knew what Mourinho was going to say. ITV had the chance to get a world exclusive, and they cocked it up, sadly, not for the first time.

I hope you have found this insight into the production of broadcasting interesting. I guess everyone makes mistakes hey, but last night’s was avoidable. So yeah…I expect an 880 word complaint put on my desk next time I press the wrong button on 104.5, 95.3 and 96FM.

And if you want to see what I’m talking about, here’s the link

http://www.101greatgoals.com/blog/the-tweets-itv-cut-off-jose-mourinho-just-as-the-special-one-is-about-to-open-up/

Clough out, McDermott in?!?

Many fans of football were surprised with the sacking of Brian McDermott earlier this week. Football is a results business, so it is perhaps no real surprise at all that he got sacked. However, considering what he achieved with Reading the decision is hard to take by many. He has become a victim of his own success, much like Nigel Adkins months prior. Such is McDermott’s stock however that unhappy fans of other clubs may start wishing for such an unemployed manager. Off the back of the McDermott sacking, a friend of mine tweeted “There’ll be a few in the Championship who speed up removing their manager”. Whilst I am not in any way suggesting the Derby board are looking to get rid of Nigel Clough, it is perhaps a fitting time to assess his standing at the club.

The Rams haven’t won in 8 games and have alarmingly gone from comfortably flirting with the top half of the table, to contemplating gate crashing the race to League 1 (Don’t do it!!). Somewhat more alarming is the manner in which things have transpired in recent weeks. Poor defensive displays continue to go hand in hand with shyness in front of goal, all with a threadbare squad (whilst Nathan Tyson, Theo Robinson and Tom Naylor are out on loan).  

Tactical decisions have been baffling. The decision to persist with Adam Legzdins in goal, despite his declining form in recent weeks is a strange one (although I am definitely not placing all the blame on him; that would be absurd and unfair). The idea of having two competitive goalkeepers though is that they push each other. Stephen Bywater’s form deteriorated towards the end of his Rams career because he had no serious threat to his Number 43 jersey in Saul Deeney. In Frank Fielding, Legzdins is up against a legitimate contender. A change in goalkeeper is perhaps now necessary, and that’s no slight on Legzdins as he has largely impressed during his 30 games stint. He will come back stronger from his experience – assuming that he is actually dropped any time soon. Michael Jacobs has recently found himself out in the cold. History suggests with Clough that once a player is out in the cold, he struggles to find true warmth again. Such warmth cannot be achieved by wearing a Slanket or a Onesie either.

If Clough ever has to write a CV, then he will not be able to include “Impressive away record with Derby County”. He has managed the Rams 104 times away from home in competitive action, with a return of 22 wins. Under Billy Davies in the promotion season, there were 12 away wins. Under George Burley in the 04/05 season, there were 12 away wins. Performances on the road this year have perhaps warranted more, but the results don’t lie. For some reason, Derby have been poor away from home under Clough. It wouldn’t be such an problem if they didn’t have to play 23 games away from Pride Park every season.

It is no secret that finances at Pride Park are tight. Clough’s biggest success at Derby - aside his successful knee to the back of Billy Davies’ leg - has been assembling a competitive, and potentially very good team with very little to play with, wonga wise. Many managers under such constraints may not have stuck around for as long as Clough. Remember Mark Hughes who walked away from Fulham believing they were not ambitious enough? He ended up at money bags QPR. Fine job he did there too... So it’s testament to Clough that he is even in a position to still be sacked.

However, whilst Derby are not the Bill Gates of the football world, they’re hardly the man stood outside Tesco’s every day trying to sell Big Issue’s either. The £1.2 million spent on Conor Sammon shows that money has been available. Sammon is a bit like Marmite, in the sense that most people don’t tend to like him. Judging him on goals alone, he has been an expensive failure. His game isn’t about scoring goals though, and it’s not his fault that the Rams spent an unusually large amount on a striker that doesn’t score goals. That fault lies with the manager.

What also lies with the manager is the annual decline in form. Derby’s seasons have an air of inevitability about them. The moment fans start to dream of a playoff push, form deteriorates and at best the season turns into a bit of a relegation battle, and at worst it turns into a nothing season. Zero excitement. Sadly, whenever Derby find themselves in the play-off places in November-January, it’s hard to enjoy because you just know it is unsustainable. Unlike Cardiff City who usually give their fans hope until late April before crashing and burning, Derby fans tend to know in early February that it’s another wasted season.

In Clough’s defence, the football Derby have played this year has generally been aesthetically pleasing, more so than previous seasons and under previous managers. He can spot a good player for a cheap price (he can also spot a striker that doesn’t score for £1.2 million, before you mention it!). He has given youth a chance and been rewarded, and as already mentioned, he’s working with at least one hand (metaphorically) tied behind his back when it comes to money. Clough is a Derby man. He cares about the club and another disappointing season will undoubtedly annoy him as much as it does the paying punter.

However, things are going stale and attendances are going down quicker than Gareth Bale in the box. Increased season ticket prices don’t help, but a football city such as Derby would undoubtedly attract 28,000+ regularly if there was a reason to believe better things were to come. Would a manager like Brian McDermott with an impressive track record be able to improve things? Or would he be stifled be financial constraints and prove Clough to be a better manager than his track record suggests?

Football super fan Albert Einstein once described insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. The same thing is happening over and over again at Derby, with the same results. For anything to change, does there need to be a change in management? With good managers in the market, many Derby fans may now believe the answer to that question to be “yes”.

A rant about humanity

It’s been a good year, both personally and not personally. By that I mean it’s been a good year for both me AND the United Kingdom. Personally, I met a nice girl, the relationship with my cat Charlie has grown even stronger, and Neighbours continued to pull out all the stops when it came to producing great soap opera drama. Generally (i.e as a country) it has been a good year, mainly because of the Olympics and the fact that the world didn’t end the other day. However, ladies and gentlemen, it is often the negatives that stick in mind, and I now must explain to you two particular negatives that have reminded me that there are some complete idiots/strange folk in this world.

Due to a general dis-trust of public transport, I ended up getting into Derby on Friday afternoon 2 hours before I was due to start work. I opted to walk around the Westfield shopping centre to look at the chaotic Christmas shoppers, knowing full well I had conquered my shopping days prior. In one queue, a father turned to his two young sons and said “Right, so we’ve sorted out presents for Sybil and your mama, just your mum to do now”. Play your cards right lads and you’ll still be getting your shopping done for you in 10 years time, like me. Then, incident one. Incident numero eins. #1

I was exiting the shopping centre, and a few yards in front of me sat a young child in a car. Fear not, it was a pushchair in the form of a toy car, provided to parents by the Westfield centre as a way to keep children who can’t walk satisfied. It wasn’t a real car.  This lad’s car started to roll, for we found ourselves on a gradient. “That can’t be right” I thought. I was now level with him. I looked him straight in the eye and he gave me that look that just said “I am not meant to rolling away, but it’s only a toy car so I can’t put my foot on the brake”. His young face was sad. He looked distressed. He was on his way to rolling down a hill into either an unsuspecting shopper, a glass door, or into the cold streets of Derby (if the door happened to open as he was hurtling towards it). I put my hand on the handle of his car and stopped him in his tracks and looked around to find who this little tearaway may belong to. There, behind me stood two chavs staring longingly into a grabber machine. You know, the machine where you put 20p’s in and manoeuvre a mini crane to try and win a soft toy, or a capsule with a toy Pokemon in or something. “Excuse me” I said. I didn’t need to say anymore because the situation was rather self-explanatory. “Sorry” said the lady, before taking control of the car and turning round to see what progress her chavy boyfriend had made on the machine. Unbelievable.

Not a ‘thank you’. Not a ‘oh my god you saved my son!’ Not a ‘I’m going to ring Holly Willoughby and get you on Surprise Surprise because what you’ve just done deserves national recognition’. Just a ‘sorry’. These types of folk were put on this earth for one reason. Jeremy Kyle.

Incident Two. Numero zwei. #2. This one is stupendous. I got on the bus tonight and sat on the back row, because a young couple (about 17 or 18) had taken the place I usually sit on the bus. A man of routine. A few minutes into the journey I looked up and right in my eyeline I saw the male was flicking through photos on his Blackberry. Him topless. Him topless again. Him flexing his muscles. Him topless. Him topless flexing his muscles. Repeat this about 50 times. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. What on earth was this about? I watched, like a dirty pervert (a disapproving dirty pervert I must add), as he admired himself. He had a whole range of self-shots. Mirror shots, and shots where he just extends his arm and hopes he points his camera at the right part. He then zoomed in on his flexed bicep. He cropped this part, showed it to his girlfriend, who nodded like what he was doing was completely normal, and then did something with it on Blackberry Messenger. I can only imagine the BBM community is currently going mad for this piece of underwhelming bicep.

You know when things are so bad that you have to keep looking? It’s like a Facebook ‘friend’ who is so annoying, but you can’t unfriend them because they’re that annoying that they’re good value. That was this lad and his phone. After 5 or so minutes he gave up appreciating himself and went off the pictures. Then to my horror, my eyes met his wallpaper. A picture of his abdominals (or the place where abs are meant to be). Imagine waking up in the morning to check if you have any overnight texts, to be greeted by your own frigging stomach! An absolute monstrosity. What a terrible way to start the day. When I got off the bus and had time to cool down and assess what had just happened, I realised I was let off lightly. What if he had had pictures of his willy?!

Merry Christmas!

The Scapegoat

Football’s a funny old game. Derby’s game of two halves defeat at Huddersfield on Saturday proved that there are no easy games at this level (if you forget the really easy game against Watford two weeks prior). Derby had home advantage that day though and made use of the 12^th man. It probably can’t be doubted that the lads put in 110% against the Terriers at the weekend, but at the end of the day, goals win matches, and when you’re only getting one shot on target, you need to be pretty ruthless and successful with that shot. Your first task, as the reader, is to count the number of clichés in this opening paragraph. Apologies, I just fancied it.

How times change. The 5-1 victory over Watford before the international break saw the Rams play fluent attacking football, albeit, against a woeful away team. Paul Coutts was magical that day.  Fast forward two weeks and by the sounds of it, Derby played a pretty uninspired first half, but a more promising second half. Paul Coutts was victim to ‘flu like symptoms’ on this occasion, and his like-for-like replacement was summer transfer acquisition Michael Ja...oh no wait, it was Conor Doyle.

This has been the source for much debate amongst Rams fans. Fingers crossed Conor Doyle or Conor Doyle’s mother were not privy to these debates (broadcast live over the football phone-in last night), because they were not pretty. The u20 American international is paid to play football; he is not going to say “Excuse me Nigel, picking me completely out of the blue is a pretty silly thing to do because in the past I have proved I am not really at first team level yet. You’d be better playing one of your summer signings”.

The fault should not lie with the former Dallas Texans YOUTH player (I have no doubt one day the Texans will have a GREAT academy system...). He was simply doing an honest (but poor) job and hence did not deserved to be booed. If you had a career making Freddo bars, and had found your feet in small scale chocolate manufacturing, and then got a call from your boss who was asking you to play a pivotal part in making a batch Dairy Milk, you’d do it. If you mucked up, someone, somewhere, would have a misshapen Dairy Milk bar. Not quite the same with a footballer. Doyle stepped up from a good DCFC u21 showing, but was ultimately proven to be lacking (again) in the first team squad. So, does the fault lie with the manager for thrusting a player into the limelight who is clearly not good enough?

Clough - who is open about his willingness to criticise his players in public – was quick to defend the young American. “...until we give him that opportunity we are not going to know if he can do it” and “...he deserved a start as much as anybody”. Was this Clough trying to defend his strange tactical decision? Or, considering the lack of scathing words usually reserved for players who put in such a performance, was this Clough feeling guilty about making Doyle a rabbit in the proverbial headlights? Jeff Hendrick, Craig Bryson, Theo Robinson and Michael Jacobs were quadrupled out for criticism, whereas Doyle got off light.

Perhaps worrying for Derby fans is that Michael Jacobs is on the start of the route that Chris Maguire went down. A long chase to get him to the club, followed by an even longer spell out of the side. Time will tell whether Jacobs emulates the Scotsman’s “achievements”, but judging by Clough’s post-game comments v Huddersfield, he is on shaky ground.

Conor Doyle was the scapegoat for Saturday, but even forgetting that, we should have won, because we’re Derby County. We’re much bigger than Huddersfield. Not my views, but the view of a man who rang up 606 to chat to Strictly Come Dancer (I think he played football too at one point), Robbie Savage. The days of the mighty Derby County turning up to grounds to walk over anyone in their way are gone, and have been gone for about 37 years, so was the defeat against Huddersfield so bad? Savage said as much himself.

Huddersfield have a great home record, and have just gained £8million for the sale of their striker. Just accept for a minute that footballers are really worth these stupid fees, and then ask yourself when was the last time Derby had someone who was worth that much? No, not  even the mighty Giles Barnes who is now ripping up the MLS with Houston Dynamo. Will Hughes may be our next prospect to leave for a miserly fee, but let’s save that for a rainy day. The point is that Derby’s history is no reason to be so irate about losing to a newly promoted team who have been used to winning matches the last few seasons.

The wage bill, apparently, is a mid table Championship budget, but one that frustratingly, is still too high. By rights then, a mid table Championship finish is on the cards. It doesn’t always work out like that and some fans find this hard to take. Blackpool’s promotion in 2010 has done more damage than good to fans expectations. They went up despite having one of the lowest budgets in the league. They did however have an inspiring manager, and the league’s best player in Charlie Adam. Add to this the experience of Gary Taylor Fletcher, DJ Campbell and David Vaughan and this created a rare mix that may not see such a situation occur again in the near future.  

At the minute, the simple fact is that Derby have a young and promising squad, but not a squad that is currently capable of winning every match. They don’t have the experience yet to push them towards promotion places. That, however, does not mean they should not be favourites to win home matches, such as tonight against Charlton. I think it is safe to assume Conor Doyle will not start tonight. He may never start again as he looks to be some way off the standard required to play Championship football, particularly when compared to younger players such as Will Hughes. However, one player does not lose a team the match (unless it’s the goalkeeper throwing the ball in the back of the net in the 94^th minute), so it’s up to the whole team to bounce back tonight.  For you betting folk, every time i’ve been to Pride Park in 2012, we have scored 5 goals. So get all your money on a correct score bet. Derby 5-6 Charlton.

Come on you Rams!

Derby 5-5 Scunthorpe...Sorry?

4724 people, Pride Park’s lowest ever attendance, witnessed the most astonishing night in the 15 years the Rams have (tried to) ply their trade at the stadium. There have been unforgettable nights in the past – beating Southampton on penalties in the play-off semi-final, beating Man Utd in the semi-final of the 2008-09 League Cup (our last win in the competition) – but last nights will take some beating for the sheer drama and incompetence of the home team.

It is inconceivable to twice lead by 3 goals at home to a lower division outfit and mot progress. It is inconceivable to concede two goals in the 94^th and 96^th minute of normal time. It is not inconceivable to lose on penalties, because they, as the experts say, are a complete lottery (a fantastic excuse for English failure). Whatever happened on penalties, the damage was already done.

To turn up on the night and see the match cost £15 to paying punters. This was the first major fault. Excuse me for disregarding Scunthorpe as attractive competition, but for a club like Derby, they really are not a team fans are going to pay such an amount for to see (in the first round of the League Cup). The record low attendance reflected this assumption. As a result, the game had a feel of a pre-season friendly for much of it. Had the club decided to put prices at £5 for adults and £2 for children – not too much to ask as a thank you for all fans loyalty/stupidity over the years – then the ground would have undoubtedly been 4 or 5 times fuller. Financially, the club would have made the same money, and perhaps even more from the more people there to enjoy the overpriced lager. The knock-on effect would have been Derby’s players perhaps taking it a little more seriously in the second half, but who knows.

The second major fault was the new scoreboard. Brilliant; we now have a huge screen in the corner so people can watch the match on it, assuming of course they don’t actually want to watch the match on the pitch. Add on to that the price; £1 million. The team is not good enough to go around spending what little money we have on technology; the second half last night proved that. A journalist next to me explained that the money would pay for Billy Sharp’s wages for a year, and his 25 goal return would sort us out good and proper. From my position in the press box, I couldn’t see a simple clock on the screen either, telling me how many minutes we had played. It’s what the majority of people want to see when their eyes leave the match (“is it time to beat the queue for a pie yet?”), so why the oversight? Oh yeah, just another point about the expensive big screen...it stopped working after a while. Blackness.

In the new look matchday progRAMme (see what they’ve done there?), Jake Buxton was interviewed about the new signings, and how much easier it is for them to gel with the squad now than it was when he first signed, surrounded by big names and personalities (Savage). Apparently the players in the squad now are “prepared to die a lot more” than previous squads. What are we? Cats? Nathan Tyson has died 6 times already for the cause, he’s only got 3 lives left. After last night, I suggest all players have just one life, and when they lose that, toodle loo. I am of course, talking metaphorically.

The first half was a breeze. “Good performance against a poor team” was my 6 word summary to my elder (and only) male sibling. “Good, cause this match was a must win” was his reply. Famous last words. The Derby fans were in good voice: “I’m glad we’re at home, i’m glad we’re at home, Scunthorpe’s a s**thole, i’m glad we’re at home”.  The 150 loyal Scunthorpe fans, situated roughly half a mile away from the nearest Derby fan, swiftly retorted: “I’m glad we’re away, i’m glad we’re away, Scunthorpe’s a s**thole, i’m glad we’re away”. All very funny. I could laugh because Derby were 3-0 up and on our way to Wembley.

Then, the rest as they say, is history. I will not give you a blow by blow account because we’d be here all day, and Sky Sports News are doing a pretty good job of rubbing the salt in our proverbial gaping wounds. Poor substitutions, poor defending and rash decisions saw our downfall. Tom Naylor is not a left back, yet he was brought on there as a sub, and i’m sure he won’t mind me telling you he was very poor (I don’t know him, he may mind a lot?!). 

New centre back pairing Richard Keogh and cult hero Jake Buxton appear to have found their goalscoring heads, but defensively, conceding 5 second half goals is a worry. Jake Buxton, a perennial substitute until Shaun Barker’s horrific injury at the start of the year, needs to have a very big season. “Bucko can be our other centre back. He can play their through sheer will alone. He just really wants it” I was told. I really want to go to Australia and visit the cast of Neighbours, but every morning I wake up in Ripley. Work that one out. For the record though, I really like Jake Buxton; an honest pro and I hope he is rewarded for his great attitude. When Theo Robinson stepped up to take the penalty that should have put us out of sight, the home fans booed. They wanted Bucko to complete his hat-trick (as it goes he couldn’t have done much worse than Theo). He is very popular, but sentiment should not be a reason to settle on this fragile centre back pairing. It is light years away from Barker and Shackell.

As the match drew to a conclusion, tempers around me were frail. Anger consumed me; Derby’s incompetence had caused me to miss the bus home. My annoyance was nothing compared to the written press I was surrounded by in the press box though. At half time they had quite rightly written the opening paragraph: “Derby put their previous League Cup humiliations behind them tonight as they beat Scunthorpe to progress to round two”. How did it come to this? Their papers were due to go to print at 22:30. Extra time finished at 22:20, penalties sometime ended sometime after the deadline. Squeeky bum time. Time costs money, so Derby’s inability to hold on to a two goal lead with two minute lefts had a more widespread effect. Spare a thought for the journo’s next time something ridiculous like this happens, hey?

My stint at Pride Park was done. I was that shell-shocked I ended up speaking to two complete strangers on the way home; I even made the first move. That never happens. On the way back to the city centre, two young lads were using the lines of a car park to perform long jumps and triple jumps. Their techniques were horrific, but it was great to see the Olympic legacy in full flow. I was temporarily heart-warmed.  On the last bus home I was joined by a chav that had consumed 10 pints of Stella (his words not mine). Driving through Coxbench he was shouting “If you’ve got a cock, and you like benches...Coxbench HA HA HA HA”. Then he accused an Asian man at the back of the bus of being a terrorist. My warm heart had cooled.

Last night was astonishing, but mostly for the wrong reasons.

England v Sweden

You know when you first had a bottled alcoholic drink and discovered that if you smashed your bottle on the neck of your mates bottle, it would erupt and he would have a very uncomfortable 10 seconds trying to contain the fizzy explosion in his mouth? Was a good game when I was 16 (and drinking illegally!)

Remember that game you played with your mates where the purpose was to stealthily punch them in the testicles? No, I struggle to recall that too.

Well, for the first half last night I was becoming very irritated by a group of lads in front of me in the pub doing the very two things I talk about above. Andy Carroll’s spectacular header (he used all his Deirdre muscles, according to my mate) relieving me of growing annoyance. It was a solid, but unspectacular 45 minutes. I could not see us scoring another, and predicted an attempt at shutting up shop, only for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to equalise.

I was furiously BBM’ing my brother and mate, first reaffirming my ‘It’s got 1-1 written all over it’ stance, and then blaming Joe Hart for the Swedish second goal (I felt he should have been able to come and claim the cross).

The half an hour that followed however was the most enjoyable - but at the same time, nervy - England performance I recall for quite some time. 5-1 v Germany was the game thrown at me, and I probably agree. The spirit the team showed to get back into the game, and the decision by Hodgson to bring on Walcott (a man heavily criticised by many, including me) was fantastic. I was unofficially part of Team Redknapp before the appointment, but I’m not sure Harry would have made the great tactical decisions that Hodgson did, and for that he deserves enormous credit.

The pub (Crib Bar, Ripley), filled with young men wearing boots suitable for mining in, went crazy for the equaliser; even more so for the winner. Songs were being sung about there being 10 German bombers in the air (why?!?!) and the lads in front of me had stopped annoying me. England produced something I no longer expected of them – excitement, passion (even from the coaching staff), and a victory over a bogey team.

Over 16 million people watched the game in their homes, and upwards of 30million in pubs. My Facebook and Twitter feeds were filled with folk (a lot of whom don’t even understand the offside rule – nothing wrong with that, it’s difficult. First phase, second phase, etc) expressing their delight and patriotism. It makes me wonder just how on earth we would cope if we won the sodding thing. A bank holiday, a week of national celebrations, Sir Roy Hodgson, etc…

I said to my mother: “How would this country cope if we actually won the thing?”, to which her reply came in two parts, a) “We wont” and b) “You seem to forget I was alive when we won in 1966”.

I can’t imagine the aftermath of 1966. I have told myself that football didn’t matter as much back then, simply because it’s hard to comprehend. I’m told I am as wrong as wrong can get, not for the first time.

We’ll get murdered by Spain in the quarters anyway, so enough of the enthusiasm and optimism. Come on England!

The Little Things...

Almost one week in and it’s so far so good with the Euro’s. If memory serves me correctly, it has already eclipsed the underwhelming 2010 World Cup. I’m not sure I have been overwhelmed by the greatness of it just yet, so we’ll just say that I am whelmed by it all.

The purpose of this blog is not to discuss the variations of the word ‘whelm’ but instead to look at the little things in football that have surfaced this past week that may go unnoticed to the untrained, unbothered eye.  My dad - a man with a soft spot for lining bookmakers pockets through constant betting on ‘number of first half corners’ and ‘player to be booked before the 28^th minute’ – has become so enraged by these little things that his greeting to me this morning was: “I’m going to write to the Telegraph and ask them what can be done about these incompetent officials”. What the Telegraph can do about it I’m not so sure, but the man had obviously had a torturous night mulling over things that do not really matter in the grand scheme of things.

So what are these little things?

1)      Throw-ins

“How many yards has he pinched there?” This phrase cropped up when the Dutch took a throw-in in line with their own penalty spot, instead of by the corner flag. What is the linesman doing allowing a 10 yard advantage in the least dangerous part of the pitch? I jest, but it is not hard for the linesman to just say “There’ll do mate”. Also, have you noticed the number of foul-throws there are, that linesman fail to pick up on? Unbelievable.

2)      Corners

Corners are a massive part of our household. We have a good night if there are more than 10 in a match, a bad one if anything else. When, however, the corner kick is awarded, you will often find my dad moaning that the ball is not in the quadrant. “It doesn’t have to be in the quadrant dad, as long as part of the ball overhangs the line” I take great pleasure in telling him that gem of a rule. Why is that the rule though, FIFA? It would be much more straightforward to amend the rule to: “The ball has to be fully on the line”. But then again, it would have been more straightforward to award the 2022 World Cup to anyone other than Qatar…

3)      Added time

1 minute at half time, 3 minutes at full time, unless someone dies. That is the rule for added time. It really is ridiculous. Aside from telling the managers to settle down, all the 4^th official needs to do is control a stop watch and tell the ref how much time is ACTUALLY required. It stinks of: “I can’t be arsed with this stopwatch, 1 minute for half time again ref”.  Should football adopt a rugby like approach, where the ref stops his watch every time there is a stoppage, and therefore blows when the clock hits 45 and 90 mins? As a wild suggestion I would say 70% of the time, the added time is totally wrong.

4)      Goalkeepers

When goalkeepers have the ball in their hands and take to the old school approach (kick it out of their hands), have you noticed that many of them actually leave the penalty area? Probably not, because it doesn’t really matter. Not my eagle eyed father though. “It’s a foul Jon, they have broken the rules, and what is the linesman doing? Head down and running up towards the halfway line. He’s not even looking!” I had only just awoken and absolutely gagging for Weetabix, yet I was embroiled in an argument about whether goalkeepers should be punished for being an inch out of their box when they kick a ball. Rules are rules though, I guess.

5)      Player celebrations

“Stupid idiots. What are they doing? They’ll break his neck! These footballers are absolutely brain dead”.  Portugal had just won the game late on and the whole playing squad jumped on poor Silvestre Varela. The pile-on was about 6 feet high and 20 people strong, and could not have been pleasant for the lad. Father then raised a valid point (the first one in a few weeks!). “It doesn’t take much for a footballer to get injured. These players go down injured all the time, do they not think that a pile-on is a bit of a silly thing to do?”.

So, there are 5 little things you may not have even given a second thought. But now you have, what do you think? Are linesmen neglecting their most simple job requirements, too bothered about offsides and off-the-ball incidents? And don’t even get me started on the two men that stand next to the goal. Nice company for the goalkeepers, but that’s about it.  

Eng-er-land

The England squad announcement initially did little to surprise me when it was published shortly after 1300 local time (for the millions reading this worldwide). As soon as the names ‘Paul Konchesky’ and ‘Bobby Zamora’ were not mentioned, I relaxed and foolishly concluded that there were no major surprises. Premature thought. A text from my mate expressing his disappointment at Stewart Downing’s inclusion set alarm bells ringing in my head. The fact I hadn’t noticed Downing somewhat reflects his season. He also went unnoticed by many right backs in the recently climaxed Premier League. More of that later.

The goalkeeping selection discussion is a little futile. If Joe Hart does what he has managed to do for the past few years (stay fit) then we could stick Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell as our reserve keepers, ‘cause they simply are not going to play. *rain check on the Louis Walsh idea – he’s Irish*. That said, it’s good to see John Ruddy get the nod because he has had a strong season and done his time in the lower leagues.

Defence wise, the big discussion was around John Terry or Rio Ferdinand. Sadly the days of them two playing together are over for reasons that the courts are going to deal with in July, despite Hodgson insisting Ferdinand’s exclusion was purely on footballing reasons. John Terry is a divisive character that makes up for his lack of world class quality with a bags of commitment. For what it’s worth, I think he probably pips Ferdinand. Where I disagree with Hodgson is choosing Glen Johnson over Micah Richards. I do not see the sense in this. Micah Richards has played well for a title winning team, whereas Glen Johnson has performed in a typically Glen Johnson fashion (decent going forward, not so good at defending) in a Liverpool team that has been poor. Had Kyle Walker been fit, he would have been ahead of both of them, so it’s a shame he’s injured.  

In midfield, there are little surprises, apart from our man Stewey D. The poor lad can’t help being picked, but really, he has done little to deserve it. 0 goals, 0 assists, including 3 missed penalties. Perhaps his inclusion is to be sure we go out heroically in a penalty shoot-out against Portugal again? The constant selection of Downing reminds me of the days under Sven where a relatively unknown Owen Hargreaves kept getting selected. English ignorance meant his selection was ridiculous. “We don’t know owt about that Hargreaves chap so why on earth is he playing?” Ignorance, they say, is bliss, because we do know about Stewart Downing, and we know that he is not worthy of his place. Owen Hargreaves turned out to be a great, yet injury ravaged player. Downing probably won’t ever be that good. His saving grace is that he is left footed.

Elsewhere in midfield, a midfield duo of Gerrard and Parker should start; Gareth Barry being the fall guy for Hodgson’s desire to play 4-4-2. It would have been nice to see Paul Scholes come out of international retirement because he is quality. Perhaps Hodgson needed me to do the persuading? “Don’t worry Paul, you aren’t going to play on the left wing this time round, we’ve got Stewey Downing for that”.

Up front, we have Rooney, Defoe, Welbeck and Carroll. It’s surprising there are only 4 strikers, particularly with Rooney’s 2 game ban, but then again Walcott can do a stint up front (and some would argue that is his best position). Andy Carroll had a good FA Cup final, so he’s on the plane. Many are surprised by a somewhat knee-jerk move regarding the Geordie striker, but I don’t know why.  Afterall, it’s not as if he got a rushed £35million move on the back of a promising start to his career is it? It wouldn’t surprise me if Andy Carroll’s kitchen was awarded a Michelin star on the back of a good, solid spaghetti Bolognese. I joke, of course I do. Andy Carroll is the type of striker that on his day is unplayable. Let us just hope he has a few of them days in the Ukraine. Many wanted Grant Holt to go. He’d try hard for sure, but he isn’t international quality (although I guess that didn’t stop Stewart Downing getting a call up)

Regarding the back-up players, let’s just hope we don’t get too many injuries. Jordan Henderson’s inclusion can only be Roy Hodgson trying to kiss and make up with the population of Liverpool. Henderson has been distinctly average this season and unworthy of a call up (although I guess that didn’t stop Stewart Downing getting a call up; that’s the last one, I promise). Young goalkeeper Jack Butland has a big future by the looks of it, but the fact he is even in consideration for the Euro’s is a bit daft. It’s equivalent to judges on talent shows putting young children through, even though they are rubbish, just because it’s a nice and sentimental thing to do. A young goalkeeper that has been plying his trade in League 2 should not be in contention to face Karim Benzema and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

So overall, the squad does have some surprising aspects (Stewart Downing – couldn’t help myself), but at least we don’t have to worry about Paul Konchesky bombing up the flank, or Bobby Zamora hitting you on the head when you’re sat in row z. Come on England, and here’s to hoping Hodgson proves people wrong with his selections.